City of the Living Dead: Spaghetti Splatter 101 5 Sep 2010, 11:00 am

Que Pasa Gasmii???!

It's muchacha macabra Leia LaBiblia! I'll be joining Scream Queen P-Baby Walker to bring you a blood-curdling buffet of terror-treats from around the world, although I must confess a deep fetish for Euro-Horrors of the 70's and 80's, many of which, through the magic of DVD and Blu-Ray, are now within easy reach of even the laziest fright fan.

One of the coolest releases of the year so far is Arrow Films' deluxe 30th Anniversary Edition of the ultra-gory 1980 Italian supernatural splatter-fest CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD. At first glance what appears to be a cheap, hootable Mystery Science Theatre-ready laugh riot quickly morphs into a genuinely creepy, unforgettable mind-fuck packed with EXTREME graphic gross-outs so well-crafted you'll be forced to keep hitting the Rewind button. Right after you hit the bathroom and barf your guts out (more on this later...)! It doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but neither does a career in Recap Artistry, and that hasn't stopped P-Baby or myself.

A BRIEF GUIDE TO WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT VINTAGE ITALIAN HORROR MOVIES:

1. They're dubbed. Until recently, almost every movie made in Italy was shot without live sound recording. The dialogue was added later, sometimes by the actors themselves, but often in the case of the English-language track, by different people. Many Italian horror movies were shot with the actors speaking English, so the lip movements match the dialogue, but the voice you're hearing is someone else's. And often within the same movie you'll get some actors speaking English and others different languages (usually Italian, but sometimes Spanish or French or even German) which have been replaced with English in the final version. If you watch as many of these films as I do, you'll become very familiar with specific voices-- it seems like the same dubbing crew was used for almost every English-language track recorded from the late 60's to 1990.

2. They're way gorier than most American films of the same era. The Italians were way ahead of us in the splatter FX department. Most of these films were cut to obtain an R-rating in the US, but with the DVD and Blu-Ray explosion, we can now see all the stabbings, decapitations and cannibalism they way Satan intended.

3. They employ more zoom shots and close-ups of people's eyes than you're probably used to.

4. They exist in their own hyper-stylized universe where logic takes a pass in favor of stunning cinematography, groovy music and insane scripts. In other words, they're gorgeous batshit crazy.

Lucio Fulci was a minor cult director responsible for two classic early 70's gialli (plural of giallo, which means "yellow", the color of the covers of trashy mystery novels which spawned a hugely successful genre of stylish horror thrillers in the 60's and 70's), Don't Torture A Duckling (1972) and Lizard In A Woman's Skin (1971). Then in 1979, he made a low-budget rip-off of the hit Dawn of the Dead called Zombie. Bolstered by outrageous scenes like a walking corpse fighting with a shark underwater (!) and a sharp wooden splinter slowly spearing a trapped woman's eyeball, Zombie was a massive smash that burst out of the grindhouse/drive-in ghetto to appall audiences worldwide with its great tag line "We Are Going To Eat You!"

Next, Fulci made a trilogy of supernatural shockers which continue to polarize fans: The Beyond, The House By the Cemetery (both 1981) and tonight's scabby specimen, City of the Living Dead, which adds a strong zombie component to a bubbling stew of telepathy, maggots, ancient curses and horrifying death scenes which are still a joy to behold. Try not to single out the campy performances, hilariously klunky dubbing or bewildering "plot", because they all feed into Fulci's stylized bad-dream world. This may be a trashy hunk of Italian cheeze, but it's difficult to find a director other than David Lynch who can distill the essence of a nightmare so effectively.

Father Thomas makes a significant spiritual error.

Turn off all the lights, grab a cold one and keep that barf-bag handy. It's time to visit the City of the Living Dead! (And please note, screen-grabs are from the Netflix download of the standard-def Blue Underground release. Arrow's Blu Ray has superior picture quality and even though it's from the UK, it's compatible with any Blu Ray player. Blue Underground has also just released their own Blu Ray of this film, and I've heard it's terrific, too, but they didn't respond to my request for a review copy. I heart you, Blue Underground-- please put me on your screeners list!)

We begin in a graveyard in the town of Dunwich. A 40-ish priest, Father Thomas, with hollow, haunted eyes wanders through. As Fabio Frizzi's uber-cool electronic score pulses and groans, we read a headstone with this comforting thought carved in it: "The soul that pines for eternity shall outspan death. You, dweller of the twilight void, come." It might have made more sense before the propman translated it from Italian. The priest looks up into the trees.

This is what Tyra Banks refers to as "a five-head".

New York. At a seance, ethereal beauty Mary (Katriona MacColl) is deep in a trance. Guided by a frizzy-haired medium, Mary insists that she sees something. Intercutting reveals she sees Father Haunted Tom in the graveyard, who is now preparing a noose. Yikes. Suicide is a big no-no for us Catholics, especially priests, no matter how many altar boys they've fondled. Surely this can be resolved with a transfer to another parish! But no, there he goes, doing the air-dance. Then right away a moldering corpse rises up though the soil and fallen leaves!

Mary responds with a huge scream. "I see the dead... city of the dead!" she informs her fellow seancers from somewhere in Tranceland. Frizzy Hair bellows at the others to "not break the link", whatever they do, but sure enough Mary the shrieking psychic topples to the floor, convulsing as cemetery visions and strange childish moans and other ghastly noises echo through her pretty blonde head. They hoist her to the couch and a shaggy-haired bearded man checks her pulse. "Maaaary! Noooo!" Frizzy Lady sobs, but it's too late. An ambulance carts Mary away from the Upper West Side brownstone.

Inside the apartment, there's now a chalked body-outline on the floor. A non-nonsense black cop interrogates the seancers, unwilling to believe Mary simply died of fright. So what were they on: "Grass, coke?! Where's your stash? Down the taw-let?!" Frizzy takes offense-- she runs a clean communication service to The Beyond and accuses Black Cop of being "a comic book version" of a detective...

The kind with exclamation points at the end of all his speech bubbles.

He threatens Madame Theresa (Frizzy) with arrest, scoffing at her slavish devotion to an ancient text called The Book of Enoch. Frizzy T invites the sleuth to take a closer look at the unholy text, which contains "descriptions of crimes" written thousands of years before they are committed. Frizzy is about to reveal the culprit when sudden balls of fire flare across the apartment, wreaking havoc with everyone's nerves and somebody's security deposit.

Frizzy says the lower unit has been vacant "for 26 years" and that even now, as the clueless coppers harass the occult posse, "horrendously awful things are happening" in another "distant town" that would "shatter your imagination!" Sounds like Wasilla, Alaska, to me, Gasmii. But of course she's talking about Dunwich. Where we immediately cut and are introduced to someone new, a pale young blonde man with hooded, ice-blue eyes. His smart windbreaker offers little protection from the eerie howling wind kicking up dust in front of a ramshackle farmhouse. He enters the house, which seems to be deserted, windows broken, stripped of furniture. He goes to the fireplace and pulls out... a deflated blow-up sex doll. Probably not what you were expecting.

Blonde Man tosses the doll aside and it inflates all on its own! That's not supposed to happen. But Blondie doesn't seem to mind that, or the fact that the inflata-boobs are A-cups. He walks up and gives her a caress, but his attention is quickly diverted by the ghastly sight of a putrefying dead baby that suddenly appears on the floor, worms writhing through the carcass.

Even I, your Recap Artist, am nauseated by this, and I hate children!

So now you get it-- this movie is off-the-charts WRONG.

Cut back to the Upper West Side, where cigar-chomping, jaded ace reporter Peter Bell (Christopher George) is approaching a pre-war apartment building. Chris George was a beloved trash-movie regular whose gruff 1970s manliness graced countless exploitation classics like Grizzly (1976), The Exterminator (1980) and Pieces (1982), in which he co-starred with his blonde starlet wife Lynda Day George. He's also Vanna White's uncle. I'd love to hear what Vanna thinks of this flick. Peter's here to cover a mysterious death in the building, but is stopped by a cop who's tough, mustachioed and bribe-proof. He tells Peter to hit the bricks-- no one's allowed in or out.

Back in Dunwich, a couple of barflies hang out at a sad little establishment identified by even sadder signage as "Junie's Lounge" and "Package Shop". Keep in mind this movie was made by an entirely Italian crew and the art director's English dictionary was probably 20 years out of date. As the bartender laments the strange dust-storms plaguing the town, conversation turns to a local girl named Cindy who never came home last night. Suddenly, a large mirror on the wall violently shatters. Barfly #1 remarks that "ever since Father Tom hanged himself, Dunwich ain't been the same." The bartender hilariously theorizes that the "vibrations" from a passing truck probably broke the mirror, but the barflies fear something far more sinister is up. "You forget who are ancestors were," one says.

The bartender laughs it off and offers them beers on the house. Then a cinder-block wall cracks open and white smoke starts to seep in...

That was one big truck...

The barflies have seen enough and scamper out the door into the fog. The bartender grumbles to himself about "cheap construction" and "losing all my customers".

Cut to a pretty woman (Sandra) on an analyst's couch cuddling an adorable tabby cat (not identified). She's telling a man that "the language may have been risque, but the message couldn't be more puritanical." The curly-haired, bearded shrink asks why she chose "the topic of incest". She replies that "when I was 8 years old, I wanted to marry my father." The same as all little girls, right? she asks. Not me, Gasmii. When I was 8 I wanted to marry Gerardo. I knew he was probably bald under than bandanna but his rico-suaveness was impossible for this Latina to resist. Our patient says she soon "got over it" when her abusive alcoholic dad abandoned the family. That's when she began to hate all men.

She definitely must hate her shrink, because just then he allows her session to be interrupted by a younger pretty woman named Emily who breezes in through a sliding door and tells him she can't keep their date tonight because she's going to see "Bob". No one seems to care that Sandra is probably paying at least 40 1980 dollars for this hour-- instead the doctor is worried that Em has been seeing a lot of this Bob. Emily says Bob needs her-- "he's a sick and lonely kid" and she can't understand why everyone in town "hates him so". Figuring that she's the one paying so she might as well get her two cents in, Sandra says Bob's mother was a notorious slut. "Here in Dunwich someone like that is also branded a witch," Sandra adds.

Em testily snips that she doesn't believe the ignorant local gossip that "our ancestors were Salem witch burners!" If you've been wondering exactly where the whacked-out town of Dunwich is, it's obviously a short carriage ride from Massachusetts. Sandra, who clearly has doormat issues, quickly backs down. Emily kisses Dr Jerry goodbye, bids Sandra a cheery "Take it easy!" then leaves. Jerry wants to get back to Sandra's problems with men (and it's about fucking time) but suddenly the room goes dark and Sandra shrieks as if seeing something horrible, like a dead baby, or a self-inflating sex doll. The cat yowls and Sandra flings it onto a nearby chair, her hand slashed with bloody claw marks. How very odd, Sandra and Jerry concur, staring at the now-angelic-looking pet...

"Don't look at me-- that bitch is crazy!"

Just outside Manhattan, two grave-diggers (one played by skanky blonde porn actor Michael Gaunt) enjoy sandwiches and porn magazines on their lunch hour. They're annoyed to find Peter Bell snooping during their break. Nearby, we see the tombstone of "Mary Woodhouse" (the girl who collapsed at the seance) 1955-1980. Her coffin awaits burial on a gurney. Inside the coffin, Mary lies in repose, her pale face reflected in a mirror on the inside of the lid. Did coffins used to come with a mirror option?! Do they still?! Why?!! So fornicators can touch up their make-up before they meet Satan? Peter watches the grave-diggers lower the coffin into the ground.

Inside, in a beautiful shot, a strange breeze stirs the petals of the roses Mary clutches in her hands. The grave-dudes toss a few shovels of dirt onto the casket, then decide to quit for the day. It's 5:00. Peter chides them for "leaving her like that". She's not in any hurry, they scoff, walking away. Mary's eyes flutter open. Panicking, she beats on the lid and cries for help. Peter, who's crossing away, hears her faint screams, but shrugs and keeps going. Wait, there it is again! But a jet plane's roar obscures the escalating coffin ruckus, as Mary pants and groans and claws at the satin lining, scraping her fingers bloody on the lid. Eeeeuuw!

Mary faints from fear or lack of oxygen and all is quiet as Peter returns to the gravesite. He's about to walk off again when Mary musters a final blood-chilling scream! "Oh, my God," Peter mutters, seizing a handy pick-axe and chopping at the coffin lid. The spike penetrates mere centimeters from Mary's gasping face. Peter keeps at it until Mary's face appears.

This is perhaps the ultimate in what my screenwriting teacher used to refer to as "the Meet-Cute".

Back at the seance apartment, which wouldn't have been my first choice to hang out at if I were Mary, M and Peter visit Frizzy Psychic, who congratulates him on saving M from "a terrible death". Pete says he was just lucky (as was Mary, since the undertaker must have been out of embalming fluid that day), but Frizzy corrects him: "No, it was written." In The Book of Enoch, a text which is over 4000 years old and contains the first known description of "man's boundless mortal fear in the face of malice itself" (take that, Stephen King), "the demanding implacable enemy whose search for blood is never satiated." Sort of like Andy Cohen on Bravo.

Frizzy orders Mary to tell them what she saw at the seance. "The city of the dead," she murmurs. The living dead, a cursed city where the gates of Hell have been opened. But she doesn't mention exactly where in Florida it is. Kidding. All Mary knows is that it's called Dunwich-- "I read it on a tombstone." Frizzy warns that unless they find this town and close those hellish gates, it could mean the end for humanity. Isn't this the same bullshit Arizona's been trying to pull?! I'm all for deporting malevolent spirits and infant-munching ghouls, but for god's sake, leave the poor Mexicans alone! Frizzy gives them a deadline, Monday at midnight, which happens to be All Souls Day. If the gates stay open, corpses will rise from their graves and take over the earth! And you can bet your blow-up doll they ain't gonna be as cute and well-spoken as young Mary.

Ominous music takes us to a deserted town of fog-misted row houses and cobblestone streets. Emily's Corvette pulls up to an equally uninhabited gas station. She gets out and goes into a dark machine shop in back, calling for Bob. Whimpering leads her to a filthy mattress in the corner, where Bob aka Creepy Blonde Guy, shudders in the fetal position surrounded by nude pin-ups and porno mags. She hurries to his side-- did he hurt himself? Suddenly (how else?), they hear a Satanic feline growl. Bob perks up, protectively wrapping his arms around the aspiring social worker. Then he shoves her away from him and peels out of the building in terror. Em takes off after him, but trips on the clutter, falling to the concrete floor. A hand grabs the back of her head and smears grave-rot and live worms onto her terrified face:

As you can see, her attacker is pasty, red-eyed Father Tom, the suicide priest.

Cut to Dr Jerry at his desk, catching up on his smoking and paperwork. The phone rings. It's Emily's father, worried that she hasn't come home yet-- there's been a lot of "strange talk circulating" lately. Jerry chalks it up to superstitious gossip and reassures the old geezer that Em will be home shortly. But if he needs anything else, he can reach Jerry here "at the studio" for another hour. How many shrinks do you know who refer to their offices as "studios"? Maybe it's really a one-room apartment.-- we've seen Jerry practice psychology and he can't be making much money at it. He hangs up and scrawls the word BOB in his notebook.

A young couple makes out in a Jeep parked on a dark street. "Please, Tommy," the girl protests to her horny pal. This parking spot gives her "the willies". Tommy scoffs-- "You're a not little child anymore. You don't really believe in that Salem witch stuff, do ya?" They continue to snog and Tommy cops a quick feel under her blouse. She pulls away; it feels like someone's spying on them in the darkness. Tommy tries to quell her nerves and get those titties out by popping on the headlights-- instead they reveal the priest's corpse, swaying on a noose! Let's get outta here! But the Jeep won't start! Just as suddenly, the priest disappears, only to pop up next to the girl's window, sans noose, with a look that says "Copping titty is a sin and I'm going to punish you."

As Tommy and we recoil in horror, his girlfriend's eyes fill with tears of blood and she starts foaming at the mouth, followed by more clotted blood gushing from her pie-hole. Unearthly belching noises are next as Tommy frantically tries but fails to get out of the vehicle. We quickly realize the reason for the gal's gastric disturbance, as she proceeds to vomit forth her own entrails! Oh, yes. This is the moment when City of the Living Dead turns from harmless goofy fun into a total shock classic. Hideous loops of intestine, kidneys, even what looks like the poor bitch's entire stomach come barfing forth in all their non-CGI gory glory. What's that, Gasmii? You don't believe me? OK...

You know at this point she's wishing she went for the role with the frontal nudity instead.

If you're on the verge of puking yourself, look out, because just then the priest appears in the backseat, peels off the back of Tommy's skull and scoops out a BIG chunk of brains.

It's like my great-grandmother Rosalinda's kitchen all over again! Gustoso!

Cut to Pete & Mary embarking by car on their mission to save the world, even though, as Pete points out they have no idea where this "Dunnich" is and it doesn't seem to be on any maps. He jokes that he may to have to consult HIS "inner visions" over a bottle of Scotch. Mary gazes lovingly at him. He dings his shitty blue station wagon into a parked car and they're off!

In Dunwich, the coroner, cops and Dr Jerry are all over the gas station, where Emily, it's been determined, died of fright. The medical examiner asks Em's sobbing dad if she had "a heart condition". Nope. The befuddled, Brylcreemed sheriff has no idea how to proceed, so the coroner tells him to sit tight until after the autopsy, when the D.A. decides what to do. Emily's father tells them that obviously Bob is the killer. A cop agrees, declaring that "pervert" Bob should have been put away for "what he did to poor little Ann Ross." The sheriff will issue an APB for Bob, who he thinks is also responsible for the other recent malfeasance in town.

"Sheriff Russell! What the dickens is this?!" the cop squawks, calling everyone's attention to a puddle of blackish blood, worms and brain matter. Wait, did he just say "what the dickens"?!...

You try translating a script into Italian and see how many archaic idioms YOU end up putting in.

While unseen rats chitter disturbingly in the background, the sheriff angrily predicts that Bob is gonna fry for this.

Mary & Pete drive through Rockland County trying to find Dunwich and chatting. Pete's newspaper editor didn't believe the whole "gates of hell" angle, so apparently per diem is out of the question. Pete says that someone named Adrian DeNiro predicted that Pete would someday rescue a girl from being buried alive. Mary solemnly agrees that this DeNiro knows many things, and since this is the first we've heard of him, we'll have to take her word for it. Pete asks Mary if she saw any other clues during her near-fatal trance. Yes, she says-- she saw a priest who hanged himself, thereby opening those pesky gates. Just warning you, Gasmii: that's about as much explanation as you're going to get, so just enjoy the ride.

At the Dunwich funeral parlor, an old biddy with Jane Austen hair lies in a coffin while a distraught lady prays over her. Emily's parents and whimpering little brother arrive with Jerry and are told by the funeral director that "we're still preparing" Emily. Cut to the prep room, where Emily, already dressed in her burial gown, is being embalmed, her bright red blood draining into a vat. A perfectly cast mortician removes the cotton from her nose and paints her lips. In the other room, the funeral director tells Jerry that the old bag was "frightened to death".

Junie's Lounge. The bartender gossips with customers about the five deaths and/or disappearances that have occurred in the last 48 hours, including the young couple from the entrails-barfing scene, who went out to a movie and haven't been seen since. The barkeep suspects Bob is behind it all, and one of the boozers agrees-- it was his daughter that Bob did those terrible things in the woods with. His drinking buddy has had it with Dunwich-- as soon as he finds someone to buy his house and business, he's "vamoosing-- you bet your ass!" What the dickens would you stick around for?

Back at the shabby funeral home, where wardrobe racks inexplicably bump up against the crookedly placed coffins in the viewing room, Emily's family does some really fake crying over her now-open casket. Her parents ask Jerry to take little Jon-Jon out of the room. As he escorts the hammy tyke away, Dr Jerry offers this enlightened advice-- be strong and take it like a man!

And get a haircut, Bobby Brady!

Speaking of Bob, we next see him park his motorcycle in some trees and walk through the swirling dust to the dilapidated old house where he found the blow-up doll. Despite the thick layer of camp we've just wallowed through, director Fulci is still able to make Bob's walk down a dark hallway kinda scary-- especially when Father Tom drops in on his noose like some bouncing spook-house attraction. Bob and the music go nuts and he flees the house.

Mary & Pete have stopped on a country road, lost. He's irritated and blames her for dragging him into this crazy hunt for "galloping cadavers". He also reminds her that they have "less than 48 hours" before All Soul's Day and the end of the world. Mary has an idea-- let's go have a nice lunch someplace.

At the funeral home, the old lady and Emily lie side by side in their coffins. The creepy mortician slithers in and yanks a gold chain from Em's neck. Then he walks over to shake down the old bat. But before he can, a malevolent growl erupts and his arm his yanked off-camera. He screams, pulling back his hand with a huge bloody chunk missing!

What is this, a Petco employee training film?

Cut to a dark street, where we zoom in to a quaint house as the wind moans and, for some reason, jungle birds or howler monkeys ululate on the soundtrack. Inside, little Jon-Jon sits in a state of shock and his pajamas, while a rocking chair rocks by itself and an Evil Presence peers at him through the open shutters. Factoring in the pajamas and Tiger Beat hair, I'm guessing it's Father Tom, back for an undead fondling session. But I'm wrong-- it's Emily, whose scabby, rotting face appears in the window, scaring the shit out of Jon-Jon. His parents think he's just under strain from his "big day" and tell him to go back to bed.

Bob wanders through the dark town. Cut to Sandra in what looks like an art studio but here in Dunwich is probably a psychiatrist's office. She's painting a portrait of a rhinoceros (WTF?) when she hears bumping and banging and goes off to investigate. Cut to Jerry asleep at his desk when the phone rings. It's Sandra. Come quick, there's no time to explain! I'm having a nervous breakdown! Jerry tells her to stay calm, he'll be right there.

Bob sneaks into the gas station/garage and hides inside a convertible. Cut to Jerry arriving at Sandra's, where he's disturbed to find her waiting with a pistol. She says maybe "a crucifix" would be better protection, then asks Jerry if in his professional opinion she's a "basket case... stark raving mad". Oh, no, just suffering from neurosis, like "70% of the female population in this country." How enlightened of him. He says he thinks she may have a drinking problem, possibly because she's presently pouring herself a stiff belt of Jack Daniels.

She directs him to the kitchen, where he finds the old hag from the funeral home laid out on the floor, complete with mortician's gauze in her nostrils! For the benefit of any visually impaired in the audience, Sandra says, "It's her, Mrs Holden..."

"...This morning she was inside a coffin at the funeral home and now she's here in my kitchen!"

Jerry wants to "use our heads and not panic"-- they must figure out how the corpse got here. Sandra really doesn't care HOW, she wants the old crone out, pronto! Jerry rethinks that drink and ours himself a double shot of Jack. He says they should call the sheriff.

Suddenly, eerie barks and growls echo through the house. With gun drawn, Jerry leads the way back to the kitchen. No Mrs Holden! Sandra thinks the old battleaxe got up and marched off on her own. Jerry thinks that's ridiculous, until unearthly noises emanate from the upstairs. She's still in the house! Sandra gasps, succumbing to a panic attack. Jerry tries to console her with a comforting hand on her tit-- if he survives this night, he should really have his license revoked. But he does manage to get Sandra under control so they can do a calm, rational, methodical search of every room in the house. Why not just get into the car and get the fuck out of town, you might ask. Clearly, you don't just flee your house when you have a painting as important as that rhinoceros unfinished. As the couple exits the living room, we see a pair of nasty bare feet lurking unseen.

Jerry & Sandra finish the inspection and find nothing amiss except for glaring housekeeping and interior decoration issues. Sandra doesn't think she can sleep in this house, so Jerry invites her to crash with him. Speaking of crashing, the lights suddenly go out and a window explodes inward, jagged shards of glass embedding in a wall, which starts hemorrhaging!

"Good God, it's blood! Blood!" Sandra cries, for the benefit of our blind friends.

 

The next day, Pete & Mary (remember them?) are quizzing the pastor of a little country church about Dunwich. The reverend is very familiar with the town, which "was built on the ruins of the original Salem, a village of witches and heresy and evil!" Spare us the history lesson and let's get to geography, OK, padre? Where the dickens is it? He gives them the world's vaguest directions then asks why Dunwich? We're looking up a friend, Pete says. The look on the priest's face says "And might that friend be named.... SATAN?!?"

Cut to the garage. Ann, a cute "teen" enters and retrieves a weed stash from its hiding place, then notices Bob. "What are you doing in my dad's car?" she asks, climbing in to join him. He says he had no other place to sleep. She advises vamoosing right away, but first how about a joint? Suddenly, we hear an angry fatherly voice yell "Ann!" The kids clamber out of the convertible and Bob makes a run for the window, but Ann's peeved pop, who we met at the bar yesterday, grabs Bob and smacks him in the face. What were you trying to do with my daughter, pervert?! Dad demands. Um, your daughter's a 24-year-old pothead not wearing a bra, so chill! But he knocks Bob into the on-switch for a huge shiny horizontal drill press.

Bob gets up and swears he was only looking for a place to sleep, but Dad takes a look at the spinning drill and gets a very nasty idea. He calls Bob a perverted murderer, then forces him down and shoves his head toward the drill. And in a horrifyingly graphic, completely realistic moment of splatter-supremo, he drills through Bob's head ear to ear!

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!

 

It's the kind of special effects carnage that would get a standing ovation if you were seeing this in a theatre, and it STILL looks fabulous 30 years later. Bravo, Lucio Fulci!

Jerry & Sandra arrive at the funeral home, where no one answers the doorbell. Jerry thinks the answer they're seeking lies here, and suggests they look for the undertaker, perhaps at the cemetery. Sandra can't handle this and says she'll wait in his office/studio. The shadow of a woman appears in the window as they drive off. Cut to the gravestone with the "dweller of the twilight void-Dunwich" inscription. Mary tells Pete that it's "the very same tombstone I saw in my trance." Now what, the cigar-chomping muckraker asks. Mary says they need to find the priest's grave and "uncover him", and in a hurry, "All Saints Day" starts at midnight.

As they begin searching, Jerry arrives and they tell him whose grave they're looking for. Jerry tells them the priest is named Father Thomas. Cut to Jerry's office. Pete & Mary have just finished telling him and Sandra "the whole story". Except Sandra still doesn't get it, so Mary says "The death of Father Thomas gave birth to some evil--" She's interrupted when the windows burst open and a swarm of maggots descends upon the foursome, complete with hideous close-ups of the wriggling critters stuck to the very committed actors' faces. As the writhing, pulsating larval mass piles up on the floor on the furniture, Sandra pukes. Then the maggot-covered phone rings.

This is why they invented voice-mail.

Jerry answers and tells little Jon-Jon to "take it easy, I'll be right over." Jerry hangs up and tells the others that "Emily just killed her parents. Emily died two days ago."

Cut to Jon-Jon, slack-jawed, holding the phone as blood drips from a wound in the ceiling into a glass of milk on the dining table. Nice touch!

Our new Scooby-Doo gang pulls up to Emily's house in two cars and Jon-Jon meets them outside. "I'm scared, Jerry, I'm scared!" Jerry hugs him. I hope Jerry shook all the maggots out of his very curly 'fro. The women know their place and stay outside in the car with Jon-Jon while Jerry & Pete head inside for a peek. "They've been butchered, totally butchered, ripped to shreds!" Jerry says, although we don't get to see anything gross. I'm sure the special FX budget ran out-- there's no way director Fulci willingly opted for anything tasteful. Outside, Jon-Jon tells his new mommies that Emily was dead and "eating" his parents. Jerry & Pete emerge and they all set out for the funeral parlor.

Since part of what makes this movie so wonderfully wet 'n' wiggy is that ANYTHING can happen, to anyone, at any time, for any reason, it doesn't really matter that Jerry puts Sandra on babysitting duty and sends them back to his mental arts studio. Surely they're just as unsafe there as they would be walking into the funeral home with the rest of them. Inside, the viewing room's coffins stand pristinely open. Our threesome doesn't see the wet handprint on the hideous green carpeting.

It's now fully dark as Sandra parks near Jerry's and takes Jon-Jon across the deserted, foggy street. They mount the front steps, oblivious to pizza-faced ghoul Emily peering deadly at them from between the stairs. As Sandra puts key to lock, suddenly Em's right there to wetly scalp the blonde pachyderm portraitist, brains squishing between the evil spirit's fingers. Jon-Jon doesn't bother with sibling niceties and bolts. With no grown-ups around, maybe he can catch Diary of a Teenage Hitchhiker (1979) re-running on the late show. Uh-oh, his sprint through the dark village streets is interrupted by a roaring worm-faced male zombie, but it only clutches at the tyke's shoulder, allowing him to book in the other direction.

He runs until exhaustion sets in. And right away Emily appears, moving toward him with an unsettling hungry gleam in her eyes. Jon-Jon yelps and turns around, smack into the crotch of Dr Jerry, who's luckily come up behind him. "Thank God you're safe, boy," the hack dubbing Jerry says, relieved. There's a police car around the corner with Mary in it, so you go find her, 'kay? The shade of his ex-lover Em is still there, looking quite murderous, so Jerry shuts his eyes for a quick affirmation a la Danielle in Real Housewives of New Jersey:

"Amazing things, new beginnings, living girlfriends!"

 

It works. She's gone.

Around the block, Mary comforts JJ in the back of a squad car. Peter is apparently calling the shots in Dunwich now, since he tells Sheriff Russell and the other cop to look after the kid while he and Mary go off to save the entire dimension from whatever fabulously fucked-up treats director Fulci has the budget left for. Back to the cemetery!

At Junie's Lounge, the bartender and two hardcore-alcoholic customers listen to a radio the size of a toaster-oven. "We interrupt this program to bring you a special broadcast: Dunwich police authorities have declared a state of emergency." Everyone is asked to return to their homes ASAP. "In case of necessity", contact this station. Also give them a call if you want to hear the latest Air Supply. The first drunk asks what's up and the second tells him "The dead are leaving their tombs!" His pal dismisses this as "a loada crap", but the bartender says he's taking the till and closing up without even the courtesy of a last-call. Moaning and rattling heralds the appearance of Emily's reflection in the window.

In the cemetery, Pete, Mary & Jerry listen to leaves rattling, beasts howling and that bird from the jungle sound FX LP. Jerry tells them Father Thomas's "family tomb" is nearby. "Guess what?" Mary says, "it's All Saints Day."

Cut to the bar, where two male zombies (one we can identify as Bob due to the ragged drill-holes on the side of his festering face) terrorize the alkies.

"I'll have a Putra Colada..."

The bartender tries to flee but is blocked by Dead Emily. The fiends corner the boozers and prepare to enjoy some refreshingly tart pickled brains.

Mary, Jerry & Pete read a list of names carved on a slab-- it's the Thomas tomb! So now what, Jerry asks. "Wish I had a cigar," Chris George (Pete) remarks, perhaps unaware the camera was rolling. They shove aside the slab and they lower themselves into the crypt, a dank, cobwebbed vision in Blu Ray that's as majestically atmospheric as anything in the most bloated, overpriced big-studio dud you can think of (I'll go with the 2010 Wolfman). Pete uses a tire-iron to pry open the vault of the deceased priest. A red-eyed rat springs from inside onto Mary's shoulder. The vault is empty-- and broken into, or out of, from the other side. Jerry's going in.

At the bar, Bob and Emily finish enjoying their own Happy Hour buffet, the blood-splattered corpses of the bartender and the two drunks.

Under the cemetery, Mary spies more plump, chittering rodents, then shrieks when a moldering, crusty skeleton falls out of the wall on top of her. But they've got bigger problems, namely Sandra, now a zombie slowly advancing toward them through a glisteningly webbed tunnel. But these zombies can pop in and out like they're on Bewitched, and that's what Sandra does, appearing behind Pete and clawing through his skull for a wet, graphic handful of brains...

In an American movie, rats probably wouldn't be feasting on the hero's brains right from the skull.

Mary & Jerry press on through the underground crypt, which has dozens of human fossils jutting through the ceiling, as if the skeletons were compelled out of their graves but were too ancient and weak to make it any further. The effect is stunning-- it's some of the greatest horror art direction ever. As they make their way deeper into the cave, a non-skeletal hand thrusts through the dirt floor and several corpse husks tear loose from their cobwebs to shambling, eerie life while the techno-spook score pounds on the soundtrack. Our surviving heroes come to a mausoleum under a stained-glass skylight-- it's a dead end, literally, with zombies shuffling toward them from behind and-- suddenly!-- Father Thomas in front! Mary starts to cry tears of blood.

Jerry has had enough and grabs a wooden cross with a sharp, staked end, and rams it into the good Father's crotch, treating us to more entrails and dripping black slime. Thomas emits an unholy squealing moan and promptly ignites. The other zombies follow suit, creating a nice infernal tableau.

And don't get me started on Dr Laura.

The two cops escort Jon-Jon into the cemetery as day mistily breaks. The tot's face lights up when he sees Mary & Jerry emerge from under ground. JJ runs toward the ghoul-stained couple, but their happiness morphs into terror and they scream as we freeze-frame on the grinning moppet and the image splinters into spiderweb cracks and disintegrates.

People have spent 30 years debating what this last shot means. Since they missed the All Souls Day deadline, does it mean the evil lives on in Jon-Jon? Have Mary & Jerry been driven insane by their planet-saving experience? Or, as has been reliably reported, a reel of film was lost at the lab and either Fulci, the editors or the distributor decided to improvise? I think the reason for Mary & Jerry's freak-out is obvious-- they just realized they're going to end up adopting the annoying brat!

Horrorgasm Score Card:

Scariness: Medium
Graphic Violence/Gross-Out Factor: Very High
Nudity/Sex: Very Low
Body Count: Medium
Camp Value: Medium
Visual Style: High
DVD/Blu-Ray Quality: Very High
Good for Groups? YES
Would I Let My 12-Year-Old Nephew Watch Without Asking My Sister? YES

So we've reached the end, and Leia's Horrorgasm cherry has been thoroughly popped. I hope you enjoyed it, and if you decide to add City of the Living Dead to your Blu Ray collection, PLEASE check out Amazon UK or the Arrow Films website to order a copy. (It's compatible with any Blu Ray player.) They have put together a Criterion-worthy package containing audio commentaries, interviews and loads of other exclusive special features. Plus it comes with four reversible cover-art options, a booklet all about director Fulci, a bonus poster and 6 collectible postcards! If only every trashy vintage shocker got treated like this, I'd be a happy girl. Arrow Films, you rock, and I can't wait for your next Blu Ray: the first modern splatter film, 1971's Bay of Blood, aka Twitch of the Death Nerve. I'll be back to discuss it with you in a few short weeks!

xoxo
LLB

>

Bachelor Pad: Slammed!! 4 Sep 2010, 2:00 pm

PREVIOUSLY ON BACHELOR PAD...

Wes sang the same old song to Gia, Natalie and David become an official couple on the DL and a "love connection" was made between Peyton and Jessie B. Oh yeah, and Chris Harrison attempted to lock Melissa in a storage room closet.

Gia and QuasiWeatherman were the next ones booted from the Bachelor Pad.

POST ROSE CEREMONY...

Jessie B. says he'll miss Gia. Wes replies "Tonight wasn't supposed to be Gia's night to go home."

Wes tells us Gia going home is an atrocity.

Wes - "Hmm atrocity. That would be a good word for my next song. La la they say that love it don't come easy, losing you Gia, is an atrocity...."

David steps outside with Kovacs. He yells "That's bullshit. Put me on the spot like that?" Kovacs is like "Whatever."

David tells us that Wes knew how he, Kovacs and Kiptyn were voting. Wes forced David into being the tie-breaker and having to send Gia home.

David - "Fuck that tie-breaker shit. I'd like to break Wes' guitar over his head."

David and Kovacs go back inside.

Natalie tells David "Obviously it was a really ridiculous decision that you had to make, and you do not need to feel bad."

David - "Thank you Natalie. That's why you're my secret boo."

Wes cuts in and says "Can we agree to disagree? Can we quit bending over and blowing smoke up each others' asses?"

Natalie - "Who said anything about smoke?" Ashley - "For real. It totally messes up your pores, can't imagine what it would do to your ass." Natalie - "I know, right?"

Wes announces that we all know there are people here who will tell you one thing to your face and another behind your back. Then he repeats "So can we just stop blowing smoke up people's asses?"

Elizabeth - "Where is all this ass smoke coming from?" Princess Tenley - "Smoking is prohibited in the Disney contract."

Which causes David to snap...

David - "We're all going to send somebody home, jackass." Kiptyn - "He is a jackass. Oops I hope Princess Tenley didn't hear me say that. Better put $5 in the swear jar just in case."

Wes gets pissed and wants to know why David is calling him a jackass. David says because what Wes said is a stupid statement. Each time someone is going to have to go home. Then we get this fantastic verbal battle.

Wes - "David."

David - "What?"

Wes - "Dave."

David - "What?"

Wes - "Don't call me a jackass."

David - "Or what?"

Wes tells him to chill. David yells "You said it."

Round robin continues until David jumps up and says he's had enough. He didn't want to be put in that position and Wes knows it.

Wes gets up and tells everyone "Well, you can see how this game is panning out. Don't be surprised when it bites you in the ass."

Natalie takes a moment to put Wes' game playing mistake into perspective, and she does a good job.

She tells us this game is about relationship building, not who is the best kisser or eats the most pie. Wes needs to be careful or he could be sent home right away.

Natalie catches up with Dave and tells him Wes just put himself on the chopping block.

Back outside Wes tells Gwen and Jessie B. that maybe he should go inside and challenge David to a boxing match. Jessie B. asks "But what about your friendship?" Wes replies "What friendship? There's no respect."

Wes tells us David is a hot head, but he's all bark and no bite which gives Wes his next lyric for his new song to Gia.

Wes -"La la they say that love it don't come easy, losing you Gia, is an atrocity. David's all bark no bite is what sent you home tonight."

Back inside the door bell rings. Natalie opens the door to find this.

"Fill out this survey alone. Keep your answers confidential." From Your Brother From Another Mother - Chris Harrison

Natalie takes the basket and card back inside and reads it aloud to everyone.

Nikki protests "But we're all sitting next to each other. Shouldn't we fill this out alone?" Natalie replies "Just do it."

Nikki tells us it was a survey about everyone, and she honestly didn't like it.

Nikki - "It was difficult to fill out with those shoddy no. 2 pencils. Couldn't you have given us mechanical pencils, ABC?"

Krisily predicts things will get nasty once the answers are revealed. Princess Tenley cries that she hates this as she fills out her form.

Princess Tenley - "Sniffle. Sniffle. How am I supposed to know who lied about having three balls?"

THE NEXT MORNING...

Nikki tells us after yesterday's blow-ups the tension in the morning air was so intense you could cut it with a knife.

David tells us his little tussle with Wes will probably affect Wes' chances of surviving the rose ceremony.

As David talks, the camera zooms in past Krisily stuffing her face, to the kitchen window where we spot Wes outside looking depressed.

Watch out Wes. Shia LaBeouf has his eye on you.

Wes tells us he's just hanging out on his own right now. Gia is gone. Sad lonely montage of Wes in the hot tub by himself.

Alone.

Still alone.

Crap! He's pulling a Britney!

Stephen Dorff!! Help him!!!

Wes tells us for him Gia could have been the right person to fall in love with.

Inside David tells Peyton they have to win the challenges today. Peyton agrees she needs to ensure her safety. She wonders what they are doing when Melissa walks in.

She asks if everyone is well-rested and tells them to follow her outside.

Kovacs tells us he doesn't think anyone slept well last night if they answered those surveys truthfully.

Kovacs - "Elizabeth will kill me if she finds out I said she looks like a Rankin Bass puppet on crack."

Chris Harrison, sporting an A&F henley because he's cool like that, welcomes everyone to another competition.

Melissa - "Did you beat up a 16-year-old for that shirt, Harrison?" Chris Harrison - "As a matter of fact, I roshambo-ed him. It was the last one on sale."

Chris Harrison tells the gang that this competition is quite easy: just tell the truth.

Chris Harrison - "Like Melissa has inverted nipples." Melissa - "Or like Chris has a baby dick." Chris Harrison - "That's not true!!!"

Melissa tells the group "Last night you filled out questionaires about everyone. Now it's time to see if you can guess what the majority responded with."

Melissa - "Like who is the biggest slut." Chris Harrison - "You." Melissa - "Or who whacks off to a picture of Bea Arthur like CHRIS!!"

For the first question Melissa asks "Vote whose name came up most often for this question: who is going to win this game?"

Melissa - "Chris stop thrusting out your hips. It's not going to make your package look any bigger. You might as well stick a sock down your pants. Okay. Answers please."

Everyone starts writing down names.

Ashley - "Elizabeth." Natalie - "Me." Nikki - "????"

The correct answer was Kiptyn.

Kiptyn - "Thanks guys. It isn't easy being green."

The next question is "Who is your the biggest enemy?"

David writes Wes. Wes writes Dave.

The majority select Krisily.

Natalie says she's not surprised. Krisily is just a straight up bitch.

Elizabeth (Nelson laugh) - "Ha. Ha."

Krisily tells us she's not surprised. She has always been the one picked on for not fitting in with the crowd.

The next question. "Who is the most shallow?"

Melissa - "I'll give you a clue. He's wearing a grey henley shirt and a smacked ass grin."

Chris Harrison adds "Tell the truth."

The contestants reveal their answers. "Very interesting," murmurs Harrison.

The guys appear to have voted Krisily. The girls range from Natalie to Elizabeth.

Elizabeth - "I didn't feel like changing my answer from last time." Krisily - "I peaked at Elizabeth's answer and thought it would be funny if her arrow pointed to "ME"."

Melissa says the correct answer was Elizabeth.

Chris Harrison - "See? You were wrong." Melissa - "Sit on it Potsie."

Elizabeth tells us she doesn't consider herself shallow. She doesn't even know what shallow really means.

Elizabeth - "I remember that movie 'Shallow Hal.' He liked fat chicks. Is that what shallow means? Liking fat chicks? Because that is totally wrong. Kovacs is not a fat chick."

Melissa announces that Kovacs and Wes are in the lead for the men with two points each.

Melissa - "Btw Harrison, are you feeling a little cold and had to layer the shirts today to prevent your headlights from coming on?" Harrison - "No, but you never have that problem do ya inverted nips."

Melissa adds for the ladies Princess Tenley and Natalie are in the lead with three points each. Chris Harrison says we're one point away for a winner on the ladies' side.

Chris Harrison - "Hey everyone, this next question will be huge just like Melissa's ass."

Melissa asks "Who is the dumbest?"

Krisily tells us "OMG I hope I'm not voted the dumbest. Nobody wants to be voted the dumbest in the house."

The guys all go with Natalie and even Natalie votes herself as dumbest.

Natalie - "I have no shame."

Chris Harrison is amused. Natalie says she's happy because she got the point.

Chris Harrison - "Hahaha. Hold up girlfriend. You didn't get the point yet. We haven't revealed the majority vote yet."

Natalie - "Oh."

Melissa announces that the correct answer is Gwen.

Chris Harrison - "Come on guys, just because Gwen's older doesn't mean she's dumber. Look at Melissa." Melissa - "Or look at Harrison. He's practically senile, and he has erectile dysfunction."

That means that Princess Tenley, who was the only one to say Gwen, wins the competition and the rose.

Princess Tenley tells us she's very excited to win but at the same time feels bad about calling Gwen dumb.

Gwen says that it hurts to be called dumb. Kovacs even notices how devastated Gwen is and feels bad. He wouldn't want anyone calling his mom dumb.

The girls are done voting. Now Chris Harrison tells the guys they have to settle the score here. Points are still up for grabs.

Melissa recaps the men's current point standings.

Chris Harrison - "Impressive counting, Melissa. I see you've been watching Sesame Street this week. Now if only you could get rid of that unibrow. It's only attractive on Bert." Melissa - "At least I don't lust after a pig, Harrison. And if Miss Piggy was real I highly doubt she'd let you 'pork' her."

Melissa announces the next question. "Which person's name showed up most frequently as a person you have a crush on?"

Chris Harrison reminds them to think of it as if the girls were still voting too.

Wes - "Gia." Kiptyn - "No one is supposed to no about me and Princess Tenley. I'll go with Gwen." David - "No one is supposed to know about me and Natalie. I'll go with Eleanor Roosevelt."

The men reveals their votes. Dave votes for himself.

Melissa says the correct answer was Dave.

Natalie says her relationship with Dave is a secret and a lot of the girls in the house have a crush on him. She admits if Dave hit it off with another one of the girls she would be jealous.

Melissa goes onto the next question. "Which person is most likely to be a bridesmaid but never a bride."

Chris Harrison - "Dayum.. that's harsh. Okay, it would be QuasiWeatherman, even though he's not a girl." Melissa - "I agree." Harrison - "Haha. You do? Nice. But I still hate you." Melissa - "As do I."

The guys vote Natalie across the board except for Kovacs who picks Gwen. Wes tells us Natalie likes to party, and she will always be a bridesmaid until she finds a guy who can put up with her lifestyle.

Melissa announces that the correct answer is Natalie.

Natalie tells us her goal in life is to get married someday and especially Dave voting for her, really hurt her.

Chris Harrison tells the guys this is big. The next question could end this competition.

Melissa - "For a second there I thought you were going to say this is the most dramatic rose ceremony ever." Chris Harrison - "I wanted. God I wanted to."

Melissa announces the next question. "Who is considered to be the biggest jerk in the group?"

The answer is Wes.

Wes is like "What?" Chris Harrison tells Wes, "You left yourself out this time." Wes says "I didn't see it coming."

Melissa tells the group it's down to our two Jessies: Kovacs and Beck.

The next question is who has the worst boob job?

Chris Harrison - "Ooo this should be good. Who came up with this question?" Melissa - "I did." Chris Harrison - "No fucking way." Melissa - "Way."

Kovacs is screwed. He thinks the majority of the house will say Elizabeth, but if he writes her name down he'll be dealing with rabbit stew and mad Ali Larter Beyonce fights.

Kovacs ends up chickening out and goes with Krisily. Jessie B. choses Elizabeth. Jessie B. laughs and says "Hand it over."

Chris Harrison - "Ohohoho no he didn't." Melissa - "Yes, he did."

Melissa announces the correct answer is Elizabeth so that makes Jessie B. the winner for the guys.

Princess Tenley and Jessie B. collect their roses from Harrison and Melissa.

Elizabeth tells us this game has been hard. She's afraid she and Kovacs are going home next.

BACK IN THE BACHELOR PAD...

All of the girls head back into the house and promptly start crying from the insulting slam game.

Wes tells us he has three sisters so he knows how sensitive women can be.

Wes - "They'd be like Wes, your song sucks! But I didn't pay them no mind. I knew they were just on the rag."

Natalie hides in the bathtub and sobs. Gwen finds her and makes sure Natalie is alright.

Natalie - "But how would you know? You're the dumb one."

Natalie tells us being called "Always a bridesmaid, never a bride is her biggest fear."

Natalie - "It's like that episode on 'Are You Afraid of the Dark' with the dangerous soup. My fear of never getting married could produce a whole shitload of that soup."

David feels bad for Natalie and he considers the two of them in a relationship, but they can't let anyone know for fear of having a target on their backs.

Ashley tells us Elizabeth really got a beating today. Kovacs goes and looks for Elizabeth. He hears sobbing from behind a door.

Elizabeth tells Kovacs "It's so embarassing."

Elizabeth - "Do I really have Tara Reid boobs?"

Kovacs tries to comfort her. He tells her a lot of girls are probably jealous of you.

He tells us that by the house insulting Elizabeth he finally discovered that he has actual feelings for her.

DATE CARD TIME....

Princess Tenley reads the card. It says "Get ready for an island escape for two. Who will go with you?"

Princess Tenley says "I love all of you, but it makes most sense for me to take Kiptyn."

No one was surprised by Princess Tenley's choice.

Princess Tenley and Kiptyn hop in the limo and off they go.

PRINCESS TENLEY AND KIPTYN'S DATE...

The limo pulls up to a helicopter. The two get out of the limo and Kiptyn swings Princess Tenley around.

Kiptyn - "Oww my back. You're not going to expect this every time we get out of a car are you?" Princess Tenley - giggles.

Kiptyn tells us he has never been in a helicopter until today.

Princess Tenley thinks they're ready to take a leap of faith: literally. They head over to go zip gliding.

Instructor - "Welcome to the Big Daddy-o." Kiptyn - "Hey, aren't you that Chef Boyardee kid from the commercials and you played the fly kid in X-Files?" Instructor - "Yes, and if you want to live I suggest you shut up."

Kiptyn - "In case anything goes wrong, thanks for the date." Princess Tenley - 'Promise me you won't date that slut Princess Jasmine. Settle down with a nice girl."

Princess Tenley screams the whole way across. When she lands she claps and yells "I loved it!!!"

Kiptyn and Princess Tenley take turns screaming through the mountainside.

Princess Tenley says "Zip lining with Kiptyn has helped take our relationship to new heights."

BACK AT BACHELOR PAD....

The gang sits on the couch analyzing Kiptyn and Princess Tenley's date. They wonder if the feelings are mutual. David thinks they are but Kiptyn hides it because of the house.

Wes reiterates that the couples must be broken up otherwise he is going home.

BACK AT PRINCESS TENLEY AND KIPTYN'S DATE...

Princess Tenley addresses how she and Kiptyn act as a couple in the house and now how much closer they are on this date. She wants to know where do they go from here.

Kiptyn kisses Princess Tenley.

XOXO

Kiptyn tells us today has been one of the best days of his life.

BACK AT BACHELOR PAD...

There is a knock on the door. Looks like Jessie B.'s date card has arrived. Jessie B. picks Peyton.

Krisily whines she is on the chopping block again.

BACK AT PRINCESS TENLEY AND KIPTYN'S DATE...

Princess Tenley and Kiptyn walk over to a romantic beach front spot, complete with roaring fire on Catalina Island.

Princess Tenley pops the cork on a bottle. Kiptyn is impressed.

Kiptyn - "Wow." Princess Tenley - "Ta-da."

Princess Tenley tells Kiptyn that she's been wanting to have time like this with him for a while but she wasn't sure how he felt. Kiptyn tells Princess Tenley it is a mutual thing. Awww.

BACK AT BACHELOR PAD...

Kovacs tells us he has never told Elizabeth how he feels toward her.

Out at the hot tub, Kovacs shares his feelings with Elizabeth and tells her how much he cares about her and how much she means to him.

Elizabeth tells Kovacs he has changed.

BACK AT PRINCESS TENLEY AND KIPTYN'S DATE...

Princess Tenley asks Kiptyn if he will accept this rose. He says yes and he will accept Princess Tenley. Awww.

Princess Tenley adds that she one more thing. She holds up the infamous fantasy suite date card from Chris Harrison.

The two agree to continue the night and share the fantasy suite.

Princess Tenley says she hasn't been with a man since Jake broke her heart, but she's ready to open up her heart again.

THE NEXT DAY AT BACHELOR PAD....

Princess Tenley and Kiptyn arrive home. Kiptyn stops and tells Princess Tenley he wants to say thank you before they go inside. Kiptyn reminds Princess Tenley that they have to put their game face on and tone things down again so the targets remain off of their backs. Princess Tenley says it's going to be hard.

Everyone wants to know what happened. Kiptyn and Princess Tenley downplay the date.

David is like who are they kidding? Everyone knows that there is something there.

Jessie B. goes and collects Peyton for their date.

Their limo heads toward a plane. The two climb in the plane and take-off. Peyton says she feels like she's on Pearl Harbor.

Jessie B. - "I hope you don't mean Kamikaze, Peyton." Peyton - "You mean the cocktail?"

Peyton tells us Jessie B. was so excited in the plane. He was like a little school boy.

BACK AT BACHELOR PAD...

Our group is back on the couch speculating about the one-on-one date. David wants to know who thinks Peyton and Jessie B. will hook-up?

Kiptyn says "Define hook-up."

David replies "Sex."

Everyone is like nah. Kovacs thinks hook-up as in make-out.

BACK ON JESSIE B. AND PEYTON'S DATE...

The plane lands and they find dinner waiting for them in the hanger.

Jessie B. tells us he and Peyton are both country, and they grew up doing the same things.

Jessie B. - "This one time we tipped a cow and knocked a whole row down like dominos."

Jessie B. doesn't wait until the end of the date. He asks Peyton if she will accept this rose. She says yes.

Then Peyton asks him if he has ever had a martini before. Surprisingly he hasn't. Peyton makes him one.

Jessie B. lets out a huge belch. He excuses himself. Peyton tells him he's too cute to be burping in girls' faces. Jessie B. sweet talks Peyton by telling her she has beautiful eyes. Peyton says "Why thank you."

Peyton tells us the night started off romantic but now Jessie B.'s true personality is coming out.

Jessie B. tries to stick his finger up Peyton's nose. Peyton is like "Whoa! Who does that."

Jessie B. - "Us country folk."

Jessie B. pours vodka into his champagne. Peyton is appalled. She tells Jessie B. that she hopes that he throws up. He tells her it is good. Try it.

Peyton worries that she is slipping into the friend zone.

BACK AT THE BACHELOR PAD...

Krisily walks outside with David. She says again that every week she is on the chopping block.

David tells us that his strategy is to bring in Krisily and show her she isn't an outsider.

Krisily talks about the chemistry of David's kiss during the kissing competition again. She tells us right now her loyalty is with David.

BACK ON JESSIE B. AND PEYTON'S DATE...

Peyton tells Jessie B. that you're not supposed to chug a martini. Uh oh.

Jessie B. pulls out the fantasy suite card. He reads it. Peyton says she thinks they should pass on the fantasy suite tonight. Jessie B. is like say what???

Peyton feels at this point it's more of a friendship; however, she thinks Jessie B. may still make the perfect partner to get her to the end and the $250,000.

BACK AT BACHELOR PAD...

Jessie B. and Peyton arrive home.

Okay. Pay up. Obviously they didn't bone.

Kovacs and Peyton start dancing in the hallway. LOLZ.

Everyone wants to hear about the date so they all sit down. Gwen observes the space between Jessie B. and Peyton. Something has changed.

Someone asks "Fantasy suite?" Jessie B. replies "No fantasy suite."

Kovacs accurately observes that Jessie B. pissed Peyton off.

David says that Peyton and Jessie B. don't mix well like vodka and champagne.

THE NEXT DAY...

Peyton tells Kiptyn she thinks it's either going to be Gwen or Krisily leaving. Krisily thinks Kovacs should go home and tells Ashley and Peyton that. Kovacs tells David if they're smart they'll get rid of me.

David tells us he is always strategizing. Nothing gets by him.

David - "Ever. I never stopped wearing flannel because I knew one day that it would come back and hell if it didn't."

Wes tells us everyone just wants to get up and party but for him this is his job. (Hmm some job.) He gets up everyday and goes to work at the Bachelor Pad.

Wes tries to tell Nikki how to play the game.

Wes - "And then you sing them a song."

Nikki tells us the only name that keeps coming up for elimination is Kovacs.

Camera cuts to Elizabeth and Kovacs in the kitchen.

Kovacs - "Are my arms shrinking?" Elizabeth - "I don't know. Why don't you eat some spinach like that Pop-eye guy." Kovacs - "Dude, do you think that works?"

GETTING READY FOR THE ROSE CEREMONY...

Krisily is nervous and so is Kovacs. Wes tells us he's calm, collected and relaxed.

Wes walks into the kitchen dressed to the nines.

Wes - "I'm ready to preach a service. Perhaps a gospel song, anyone?"

Ding! Ding!

Chris Harrison walks into the room.

Chris Harrison - "What? No mass suicide after the honesty game? Damn."

Chris Harrison repeats the voting instructions again and then leaves

Everyone gets up and people start going into vote. Jessie B. and Wes say it is going to be a close vote.

Natalie and Elizabeth get rid of Wes because of his choice to break up the couples. Wes returns the favor and votes out Elizabeth.

The Male Plastics meet. Kovacs thinks that Gwen will the next one to go.

Kiptyn - "So did you know she's totally rich because her dad invented Toaster Streudels?"

David tells Krisily he thinks Gwen is going to be the next to go. Krisily thinks that she may be safe tonight but she will remain nervous until she has that rose in her hand.

Kiptyn isn't sure about voting for Gwen. He tells us Gwen hasn't done him wrong.

ROSE CEREMONY...

Chris Harrison welcomes our bachelors and bachelorettes to another rose ceremony.

Chris Harrison - "As you can see, Melissa and I were anticipating at least one death from our slam game so we dressed in dark colors." Melissa - "But you were all stronger than we thought."

Chris Harrison tells Princess Tenley, Kiptyn, Peyton and Jessie B. are all safe tonight and can relax.

Melissa - "Yes, they can relax but I wouldn't if I were you, Harrison."

Melissa - "I put Ex-Lax in your drink, Harrison. Good thing you're wearing a dark suit." Chris Harrison - "Shit." Melissa - "Yes, you'll be doing a lot of that in about 5 minutes."

Roses start being handed out.

It's down to Gwen and Krisily, Kovacs and Wes. Chris Harrison tells them two of you will be leaving us tonight.

Chris Harrison - "And make this quick because my bowels are getting ready to leave me." Melissa - "Yes, it's about to get stank up in here."

The final two standing without a rose are Krisily and Wes.

Chris Harrison asks if Krisily has any last words. Krisily says she's just angry. She has been nothing but honest and voted a certain way and was backstabbed. She wishes anyone who isn't Princess Tenley, Kiptyn, Elizabeth and Kovacs good luck because those four are going to be the final four.

Chris Harrison asks "Wes, final words?"

Chris Harrison - "And hurry up. I've got a turtle head poking out." Melissa - "Haha."

Wes replies "I had a hell of a time." All of the guys hug.

David says he feels bad for Krisily. She showed her true colors tonight.

Krisily and Wes get into their limos.

Krisily says her same old spiel. Wes tells us he tried to break up the couples but oh well at least he met Gia.

Wes - "And I got to sing my song. Want to hear it again? Now where is my guitar..."

Next week on Bachelor Pad Chris Harrison shakes things up by telling the women that three of them will be leaving the Bachelor Pad that morning. Oh snap! Remember in the beginning Harrison mentioning that the numbers would even up?

See you guys next week!

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DVDgasm: The Neverending Story 4 Sep 2010, 1:00 pm

Hi Gasmii!  P-Baby here to bring you the next installment of Moviegasm.  Well, as you've probably noticed, work keeps getting in the way of my couch sitting which is really annoying but bills gots to be paid, yo.  Anyway, I will try my ass off to get back on track, but until then, well, we'll just have to deal with it.  Anyway, I decided this week's chosen flick was going to  The Neverending Story because 1.  I've been on a kick lately of watching childhood movies that creeped me the fuck out and 2.  The other day my bestie and I were discussing what a great movie Ladybugs is and how much I loved Jonathan Brandis growing up.  Yes, Gasmii, I know he's not in this movie.  But he is in the sequel.  Which is an absolutely abysmal movie that I proudly own and watch due to the aforementioned actor.   I still get sad every time the Thanksgiving episode of Saved By The Bell: The College Years airs on TBS Friday mornings.  R.I.P. Jon.  You're still missed.

Sorry to start the recap off on such a sad note.  Maybe this will cheer us up.

The flick opens with a bastard of a thunderstorm signaling impending doom on whatever city it decides to park its ass over while  lovely lady tells me to Turn Around....Look at what you seeeeeeeeeeeee...Rhymes that keep their secrets will unfold behind the clouds.  There upon the rainbow is the answer to a never ending storyyyyyyy la da da la da da la da da.  Question.  Does it make me a loser if I have this song on my iPod? And holy shit, I just looked up Limahl on Google and the lovely lady is a dude!

So after the thunderstorm subsides for a bit, we are introduced to Bastian Balthazar Bux (Seriously? No wonder his ass got kicked on a daily basis.) who is dreading another day at school.  See, Bastian's problem is that a gang of bullies constantly make his life hell because he draws unicorns on his homework and can't even open a jar of jelly.

Part of Bastian's funk is that his mom died recently and he's having trouble concentrating in school.  His dad scolds him about not doing his homework and not trying out for the swim team.  Dad's got his own problems since he apparently drinks a cocktail of orange juice and raw eggs for breakfast.  OK, Hulkamania.  He wants Bastian to stop daydreaming but Bastian's all "STFU Dad, unicorns don't swim, they fly," and takes off for school.

On his walk to school, the bullies confront Bastian again and want his lunch money.  They chase him down the street and throw him in the dumpster for not providing the cash.  But seeing as it's 1984, those idiots are really expending a lot of energy for 50 cents.  Especially since there are 3 of them.

Bastian pulls himself out of the dumpster but runs into the bullies again who chase him down the street.  Bastian takes cover in an old book store and is told to get out by the crochety store owner.  He decides to ignore the owner and goes to talk to him.  He proves his love for books to the old man by rattling off a list of classics like Treasure Island and The Last of the Mohicans that I don't believe for one second he's actually read.

Bastian is curious about the book the storekeeper is reading after he implies that the story could actually be real.  With Bastian's imagination running a mile a minute, the phone rings pulling the shopkeeper away and the book unattended.  Using his tiny hands, he steals the book, leaving the shopkeeper a note that he'll bring it back when he's done with it.  After delving into the whole unicorn thing, Bastian's dad may want to also revisit with him the difference between an actual book store and a library at some point.

Bastian arrives at school and after seeing that the class he's currently skipping is about to take a math test, he says "Fuck that," and high tails it to the school attic.  With this work ethic, how on earth did Bastian even learn to read?  Upstairs, he makes himself at home on a dusty gym mat and prepares to embark on an incredible journey.

We enter the campground of a racing snail, his fancypants owner who apparently got some time off from the Chocolate Factory to fuck around with his snail, Nighthob, and Nighthob's pet bat taking a break from their cross country journey to go to the Ivory Tower in order to see the Empress of Fantasia.  Rock Biter rolls up on his big wheel and even though he's big and fat, he's a pretty docile fellow whose eyes are really close together.  They all share their stories of something mysterious called The Nothing sweeping by their respective areas of Fantasia which is why they have all been sent on their mission of visiting The Empress.

The group takes off on their respective modes of transportation and my money's on the snail since the bat seems pretty lazy and is probably going to shit the whole way there.  As the Rock Biter prepares to leave, The Nothing catches up to them so he gets his ass in gear and takes off on his Big Wheel. They finally reach the outskirts of the Ivory Tower and are in awe of its beauty.

Somewhere along the way it was decided that this anemic, skinny Childlike Empress bitch was the only hope for the survival of Fantasia but she's so weak that she sends Danny Glover's conehead doppelganger through the Ivory vagina to break the news that she's not going to do shit to save her own people.

Here's the sorry bitch herself.  Quit with the sad eyes and go eat a Happy Meal.

So Danny tells them that the Empress is on her deathbed because her illness is linked to The Nothing destroying the land.  Since she can't do anything, the only possible chance of survival lies in the hands of the fearless warrior from the Plains people named...ATREYU!

Needless to say, leaving the fate of their entire universe in the hands of a pretty little boy is giving the Fantasia residents cause for alarm.

In hopes that Atreyu doesn't fuck things up royally, he is given a gaudy medallion known as the Auryn to wear around his neck for protection.  Unbeknownst to  Atreyu,  that crappy necklace is definitely not going to keep this bad ass motherfucker from eating him in about a half hour.

And in case any of you were wondering what the Auryn looks like, never fear!  There are a plethora of assholes who have the damn thing tattooed to their body.  Seriously.  Take a peak.

Equipped with his Auryn, his loyal steed Artax, and a set of slammin' suede threads Atreyu takes off across the land on his way to The Swamp of Sadness to pay a visit to Morla who is supposedly the wisest being in all of Fantasia.  Make that equipped with his Auryn since upon arriving at The Swamp of Sadness, Atreyu is now minus one horse and his clothes have shit all over them.

While Atreyu is upset to lose his closest companian, Bastian takes the loss even harder.

Atreyu presses onward with the mission at hand, finally discovering Morla, the Ancient One and the Wisest One as well.  Morla apparently isn't that wise since she lives in the most depressing place on earth besides Pakistan.  Atreyu is startled to say the least when Morla unfurls herself from her shell and blows snot everywhere.  And by startled I mean he screams like a bitch and falls out of a tree.

After toying with Atreyu a bit, Morla gives him a little advice.

Meanwhile, back at school, the bell rings and all the normal children with friends and grasps on reality head home to after school snacks and TV.  Bastian keeps his Pegasus loving ass parked in the attic, flipping pages and sucking at life.

After receiving his advice from Morla, Atreyu heads off again and at the pace he is walking, he'll make it to the Southern Oracle in, oh, about 37 years give or take a decade.  The sadness is beginning to get to him which is convenient for Gmork, whose tubby ass is hauling through the Swamp in hot pursuit of Atreyu.  Just as Atreyu is about to call it a night and succomb to the swamp, a giant flying dog arrives just in time to pull him out of the swamp and out of Gmork's jaws.

It seems the mysterious creature that saved Atreyu's life is named Falkor who is a luck dragon by trade.  Atreyu tries to sneak away without waking Falkor but he gets caught and Falkor gives him shit for leaving without saying goodbye.  Turns out Falkor did Atreyu a pretty major solid and flew him almost the entire way to the Southern Oracle.

After being nudged in the right direction by Falkor, Atreyu comes upon the home of Engywook and Urgl who have been eagerly anticipating his arrival after tending to his wounds while he was passed the fuck out.

Engywook is an expert on the Southern Oracle and is more than delighted to give Atreyu advice on how to get past the gates that guard the Oracle.  At the top of a mountain, Engywook has a telescope made out of magic rocks which he uses to spy on the idiots that attempt to make it through past the first gate consisting of two sphinxes.  Convenientally, one of these idiots is attempting to pass right now, getting blasted by some lasers flying out of the sphinxes' eyes.

Atreyu decides he needs to see those jugs close up and leaves Engywook behind to give it a whirl.  Engywook is convinced he's not going to make it, but Atreyu puts faith in his Auryn and after ogling those mythical mammeries for a few minutes, runs himself through the gate avoiding the laser eyes of death and enabling the continuance of his journey.  The whole moral of the first gate is that you've got to be confident in your ability to stare unabashedly at big ol titties when they're poking you in the face.

After the first gate, Atreyu arrives at the next gate known as the Magic Mirror gate, which forces its challengers to really see deep inside themselves which is often a truth too hard to face.  Atreyu cautiously approaches the mirror, looking closely at his reflection.  Well looky there.  A reflection of a bowl-cutted Bastian reading looks back at him freaking both of  them out.  Bastian chucks the book but then decides, "Eh, not much else going on in this realm.  May as well save Fantasia. I'll bet the Childlike Empress will let me touch her boob."

In a real mind fuck, Atreyu arrives at a set of Sphinxes that look exactly like the first gate only this time they are glowing and blue.

The Southern Oracle assures Atreyu they mean him no harm and whisper to him that the diva Empress just needs a new name and Fantasia will be saved.  The catch is that only a human child can rename her.  Atreyu's all, "Where the hell will I find such an annoying, miserable creature?" and the Oracle says, "Tough titties, A-Slice, figure it out for your damn self.  We got our own problems," and then promptly falls apart.

Atreyu calls for Falkor because he's an incompetent little bitch and has the balls to tell Falkor to pick up the pace on their race towards the boundaries of Fantasia.  Hey Atreyu, why don't you stop riding Falkor's ass for a hot minute and do a little walking yourself.  Falkor just flew you 10,ooo miles and all you did was give him a half-assed pet on the head.  Luck dragons need love too.  And sleep.

Well Falkor and Atreyu fly themselves right into the heart of the nothing, resulting in a dropped Atreyu falling into nowhere.  Falkor acts all distraught but I'm pretty sure he's smiling on the inside.

Atreyu washes up on a crappy beach and once again starts riding Falkor's ass, screaming for him and wondering where he is.  Atreyu has also lost the Auryn so in a nutshell, he's completely failed at his mission and lost the only item given to him for protection.  In addition, Gmork is one pissed off wolfdog who's been running like this entire movie so he's probably famished at this point.

Atreyu leans up against a rock wall only to find that it is our long lost friend the Rock Biter who is also lamenting the loss of something special.  Only in his case, his sausage fingers lost hold of the snail dude.  I'd say Rock Biter wins at this pity party.

It occurred to me that the Auryn was kind of like the Neverending Story's answer to ruby slippers.  But how much more ass would this movie kick if Atreyu was traipsing around the Fantasian country side in sparkly red pumps?  I'm sure there is an inevitable crappy remake just a few years around the corner.  Let's make it happen.

After his talk with the Rock Biter, the ground suddenly starts to break apart and Atreyu discovers a whole bunch of wall paintings depicting his journey throughout Fantasia.  Under normal circumstances this would be extremely creepy but I guess this fact is lost on Atreyu as just then he comes face to face with Gmork.

Gmork explains to Atreyu that essentially Fantasia consists of the hopes and dreams of humanity and that The Nothing represents despair and apathy towards imagination.  Gmork also twists the knife a little and tells him those Fantasia boundaries that cost him his Auryn and one luck dragon don't even exist.

Well Gmork  hasn't run all this way for naught and decides it's time to chow down.  He lunges at Atreyu who actually grows a pair and manages to stab Gmork dead.

Falkor pulls through yet again and manages to find the Auryn at the bottom of the ocean.  He flies quickly and rescues Atreyu just as The Nothing is about to overcome where he stands.  Falkor wins MVP with the clutch rescues and saves throughout this flick.  We all could use a little Falkor in our lives.

Atreyu wakes up on Falkor's back only this time, Fantasia has been destroyed proving all of Atreyu's naysayers 100% correct.  Floating around them are chunks of what used to be Fantasia and lucky for them, the Ivory Tower has remained in tact and is floating right in front of them.  Atreyu reports to the Childlike Empress that he failed his mission of saving Fantasia.  All he needed was to find a human child to rename her and he couldn't even do that.  He did manage to kill a horse and almost die like 15 times.  The Childlike Empress is all, "Bitch, you are lucky that nosy kid is listening in on us right now or else your ass would be polishing my ivory bedpan.  Now get me a Coke and get the hell out.  And take your weird, scaly dog with you."

After reading this, Bastian is all hold the fucking phone and realizes that the Childlike Empress is talking about him.  She begs him to give her a new name as the Ivory walls begin to crack around them.  She whines incessantly to Bastian for him to give her a new name.  Consider Bastian's pea brain blown.

So Bastian finally gets off his lazy ass and runs to the window to yell out the Empress's new name.  New name is....drumroll...Moon Child?  The fuck?

After he yells the name, everything goes dark.  Finally after getting tired of Bastian's sticky fingers trying to cop a feel for saving Fantasia, Moon Child unveils a tiny grain of sand to brighten up the room.  She explains to Bastian that the single grain of sand is all that remains and it is up to him to rebuild Fantasia by way of making wishes and having dreams.  She passes off the sand and wants to know what his first wish is going to be.  She also lets him know his wishes are unlimited so don't worry about blowing them on stupid things like getting back at the bullies who throw you in the trash.

Guess alls well that ends well in the world of Fantasia.  Except for one thing...

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Rescue Me: Mr. Doubtfire 4 Sep 2010, 12:00 pm

I picked this title because stylistically the episode demands Tommy juggle three different expectations being placed on him, a la the restaurant sequence in Mrs. Doubtfire.  But these expectations are all coming from extreme emotional pain.  It's an odd mix, but I'm pretty sure they pull it off.

I’m gonna play armchair psychiatrist a lot for this recap.  Or, more accurately, armchair freshman psych major who still hasn’t bought his textbooks.  And just discovered pot.  This episode contains some of the more complex displays of emotion I can remember on scripted TV.  And it’s really, really funny at times.  I’ll do my best to capture both tones.

ACT ONE

The burning question to open this episode is, how is Damian, and the second, slightly less burning question is, how is everybody else?  We start with the second one.  Sheila is sitting on her bed, talking on the phone with her therapist, Dr. Klein.  Dr. Klein is trying to get her to accept a reality.  But “there’s a huge canyon between knowing something and accepting it,” Sheila says.  The stumbling block for Sheila is her deep belief that Damian will walk again.  So Damian is at least paralyzed, and Sheila is in denial.

Dr. Klein also wants to know how she’s doing with blame.  She still blames herself, she says.  And “him.”  Meaning Tommy, for not protecting Damian?  Or Mick, for not getting Damian to give up firefighting?  It isn’t clear yet.  She tries to change the subject, but Dr. Klein isn’t satisfied and he presses her further.  Sheila reconsiders…it’s really nobody’s fault because Damian chose to get on the rig.  But when she finishes her self-analysis, she wavers.  Really she was grasping at straws, because she’s still processing, too.

But it’s time for her to wrap it up for today’s session, and she asks Dr. Klein for the daily mantra.  “It’s not my fault,” she’s told to repeat.  She does this a few times, and seems to be feeling better, but seconds after she hangs up, she falls apart again.

Callie Thorne's pretty good at acting

Mid-cry she hears Tommy coming through the front door.  She goes out to meet him and finds him putting groceries in the fridge.  So he’s there for emotional support—once he sees how the phone session left her distraught, he hugs her.  Even if she was telling the truth last week’s episode when she told Tommy she never wanted to see him again, (and I’m skeptical), Damian’s disaster has thrown them back together again.

Tommy is aware of Sheila’s ongoing struggle with guilt and tries to reassure her the way Dr. Klein did.  He’s brought her a self-help book called, way-too-appropriately, It’s Not Your Fault.  They even manage to get a laugh out of all this gloom when Sheila can’t believe he went to a bookstore.  Tommy protests that he’s read plenty of books about…baseball, hockey, golf…even the huge biography of Mickey Mantle, “which doesn’t count as a baseball book because it’s mostly about drinking.”

(He also technically didn’t go to a bookstore, because he found the book in the supermarket checkout line.  But it has a quote from Dr. Oz on the dustjacket so, you know).

Sheila is appreciative, but she’s also on her way out to see a “specialist,” no explanation yet what kind.  She asks Tommy if he’s heard from Mick—whatever that means—and Tommy says Mick has been mostly off everyone’s radar, except for one AA meeting with Teddy.  Mick’s sobriety “couldn’t happen to a nicer douchebag,” Sheila says.  More on this later.

And on her way out, Sheila bids goodbye to Damian.  He’s been sitting in the room the entire time.

So's Michael Zegen

The slurred speech, paralysis, and loss of limb function all point to severe brain damage.   And the specialist, we learn, is supposedly able to get Damian to walk again.  This is one of the directions Sheila’s processing has taken her.

ACT TWO

Now we’re over to 62 Truck, where Garrity is bringing some news to the other guys on the crew—in the time between last week’s episode and now, the FDNY has moved forward on a dedication for Pat Mahoney.  They’re going to name a pavilion in Central Park after him at a ceremony tomorrow.  It’s great to hear.  The guys have no idea what a pavilion is, but still, great to hear. (Here are their guesses…a pavilion is “some kind of building,” an “open-air plaza,” “a building with some big windows,” or a “really big number, like higher than a jillion.”  That last one is from Garrity).

The would like to bring Damian along to tomorrow’s ceremony, but they’re not sure if he’s healthy enough, or if Sheila would allow it.  We also learn from Black Shawn a minimum of how much time has passed between the accident and now: Damian’s been home for two months.  So maybe three months total?  At least.

But Garrity thinks Damian should be there no matter what.  The purpose of the dedication is to remember heroes, and Damian is a hero, too.  The matter is settled.

Mike bursts into the kitchen with some incredible news, (he says).  He starts telling them a story, and after a way too long and unnecessary buildup, he informs them he’s just seen Mick in a bodega, two blocks away.  The guys can’t believe Mick’s audaciousness to show up so close to the firehouse.  So apparently whatever Mick’s done has pissed off more than just Tommy and Sheila.

Finally, Niels comes in.  He’s also got a piece of news: Lou has a visitor.  It’s his doctor.

They’re giving Niels stuff to do!  He’s a fireman in real life!  I want them to bring back Cam Neely and let him play an actual character

You know, for a scene that’s essentially just a succession of characters coming into a room to deliver pieces of information, this was very good.

Lou heads out to the garage to meet with his doctor—the one who told Lou to quit firefighting in last week’s episode, because of Lou’s continuing health failure.  That’s why the doctor is here this week, to reprimand Lou for not quitting yet.

“By the way, I’m gonna need a copay for this visit.  I brought a credit card swiper if you don't have cash."

Lou tries an excuse.  He couldn’t up and quit right after the house lost Damien, could he?  The doctor doesn’t buy it.  He even accuses Lou of wanting him to lie to the FDNY so that Lou can keep working under a clean bill of health.  I’m not really sure how we got from Lou being to disobedient to Lou being a schemer, but Lou doesn’t deny it.

But he does explain where he’s coming from—firefighting is all he has left, that and cake.  If you took away firefighting, Lou would be dead within three weeks, of “cake-related injuries.”

To me, the “this is all I have” argument is covering up how frayed a person Lou is.  As a firefighter his lifestyle is just an endless cycle of upheaval in the form of loss, but disrupting that would be the biggest upheaval you could inflict on him; and somewhere deep down he knows he’s too fragile to withstand that.  So even if his current lifestyle spells doom, he prefers the devil he knows to the one he doesn’t.

But the doctor won’t let him off the hook.  Staying on the job to avoid facing his psychoses is selfish, because he’d be endangering his crewmates.  He’s endangered them already—Lou’s collapse at the coffin warehouse fire is indirectly why Damian’s accident happened.

I actually wonder if this scene is a way of making Lou conscious of that, because otherwise I don’t see any signs of his guilt about that.  He’d have to feel guilty, wouldn’t he?

Fast-forward to that night.  Tommy arrives at Janet’s place to find the family behaving coldly toward him. He hasn’t been helping Colleen through AA, and Janet doesn’t think he’s been home for enough dinners.  But the real problem isn’t scheduling conflicts, it’s Tommy’s emotional distance.

They give Janet a line that helpfully lays out the problem exactly: Tommy has an aura of “broken promises, disappointments, and general ADD malaise” that’s poisoning the family.

I’m not sure how I’m feeling with this part...at first it seems insensitive.  To be fair, Sheila and Damian are going through a crisis and don’t have anybody else, not even Mick.  But maybe Janet has a point.  Firefighting and caring for Sheila and Damian couldn’t be so much of a burden that he has to be totally absent, right?

Janet makes another accusation here.  She sees a contradiction in his character—he’s obsessed with saving the world, but he neglects his own family.  “Emotional ADD,” she calls it.

I could see that ADD as a stand-in for Tommy’s self-loathing.  What seems like Tommy being easily distractible is really just self-sabotage.  Deep down he’s always felt worthless as a person—it’s why he beat up Jimmy’s and Connor’s ghosts, for the most recent example—when you feel that way, you irrationally deny yourself things like a loving family.  You don’t deserve it, is the thought process.

I guess I’m inclined not to see Janet and the kids as unreasonable or burdensome or There seems to be a ring of truth to what they’re saying.

Tommy doesn’t have any good responses to these accusations—it’s not that he can’t think of any, he really just doesn’t have any.  Janet then gives him two tasks: tomorrow, Colleen has her 50^th meeting in 50 days, and Katie has a dance recital.  He needs to be at both.

They do leave the scene on a light note, though…Tommy finally helps Katie with her Vietnam paper, and he finds his relationship with Janet pretty analogous to the entire war…once they got in they couldn’t get out, so both sides dug in their heels and wouldn’t cede any ground.

ACT THREE

We’re back at Sheila’s, where Tommy is spoon-feeding Damian, having just pitched to Sheila the idea of taking him to tomorrow’s ceremony.  She has her reservations about it, but she can see why it would be appropriate.  She’d even go herself if she didn’t have to see another specialist claiming to be able to cure paralysis.  This one apparently is world famous and only visits the US one week a year.  Sheila ultimately gives Tommy the green light, but Tommy has to be the one driving their specialized van—which, obviously will conflict with Colleen’s and Katie’s events tomorrow.

Then Sheila tells Tommy more about this specialist she wants to see.  He sounds like one of those old-world rich-people physicians, with a sanitarium in Zurich and all sorts of vague-sounding treatment techniques like “blood supplements.”  So basically he balances your humors.  And he charges you $25,000 a MONTH for treatment.  And he probably also thinks he could prove racial superiority if he wanted.

The only evidence Sheila needs to buy into this guy is that supposedly one patient in Sweden is starting to regain feeling in his legs.  The point is, this is the form her grief has taken: delusional hope.

It’s tricky ground for Tommy to trod, because he sniffs out the quackery instantly, but he can’t exactly mock it like he normally would, because he can also see how tightly Sheila is clinging to it.  So he tries a joke, sees her face darken, and quickly changes the subject.

What comes next is a wonderful, crazy mishmash of three or four different sets of agendas, and it really reinforces just how love-hate their relationship is, with a good amount of shared grief, too.  It all starts with genuine caring when Tommy asks her if that self-help book, It’s Not Your Fault, is helping her.  Yet when she says it’s helping a lot, he can’t help but tease her and make fun of self-help books in general.  They’re for chicks.  The only self-help book he’s ever read is How to Throw a Football, by Johnny Unitas.  Which he read when he was twelve, and again when he was thirty-five and joined a flag- football league with Jimmy.

And Sheila doesn’t like his condescension, but the flag-football story reminds both of them about Jimmy, and it makes her chuckle a little.  So she in turn genuinely thanks Tommy for supporting her and Damian so much, and reassures him that he’s doing the right thing.  She even tries to apologize for earlier telling him she never wanted to see him again.

Tommy insists she doesn’t need to apologize, because he brought it on himself.  Which is how they both inadvertently segue into playing the blame game.  Tommy admits he pushed Damian into firefighting in the first place.  Sheila first  tries to take the blame herself, but Tommy is adamant.  And finally Sheila turns accusatory.

So Tommy becomes defensive.  Sheila was the one who gave Tommy the badge in the first place, to keep safe for Damian some day.  And Sheila always suffocated Damian…

But now Damian starts to moan, and both of them immediately turn their attention to him.

Whew.  Somehow Tommy and Sheila didn’t wind up having sex right here.  This conversation is a lot to plot out by hand, but I bought it.  Actual grief is complex and it dredges up all your old baggage.  And these two individuals don’t exactly possess self-awareness, so they would fumble around a normal conversation like this.

We get out of the scene with a phone call.  Colleen is calling Tommy to warn him she’s going to start drinking.

Tommy runs over to a liquor store where Colleen is already loading up a shopping cart with her favorite booze and nearly making out with the bottles.  But she’s not really going to drink any of it.  She just wanted to light a fire under Tommy’s ass.  She’s been trying to get through AA with him as a sponsor, and he hasn’t been putting in the effort.  She brought him down here to show him just how serious she is.

After this Tommy heads over to 62 Truck, and there he discovers that Mick has shown up.  Mick sits on a bench, alone, looking ashamed, and the guys in the crew are huddled together, keeping their distance and keeping an eye on him.  It’s time for a showdown.

Mick starts things off by asking the guys to give him and Tommy a moment alone.  They pretend to leave but are really hiding behind the rig to listen.  Then Mick returns two of Tommy’s DVDs—a Cam Neely’s Greatest Hockey Hits, and a copy of The Friends of Eddie Coyle. (Which I promptly Netflixed). Mick makes small talk about how he knows Tommy how much Tommy cares about his Robert Mitchum collection.  Tommy accepts them but says nothing, seething.  And Mick leaves.

Tommy can’t believe what’s just happened.  It’s such an inappropriate gesture given what’s happened.  He stops Mick before he can leave, expecting Mick to apologize, so Mick punches him.  Tommy hits back, and they go back and forth again.

Remember how Tommy used to punch someone like every third episode?

The guys come running out—not to break it up, but to see who wins the fight, because they’ve been placing bets on it. (Which I loved).  But Mick tells them to leave again, and this time he means it.

Now it’s time to talk.  Mick does have something to say, but Tommy basically lays out what he wants to hear, that Mick is a spineless, no-good gutless pussy who abandoned his girlfriend and crippled son.  So Mick obliges, and you can detect the shame and self-loathing when he says it.

I’m digging the role reversal here.  Throughout the series Mick has served as Tommy’s conscience, always encouraging him Tommy to stay sober and honor his family.  But not only is this is a rare moment that showcases Mick’s feelings, with the self-loathing, it also has Tommy being the superego.

Tommy is stunned with how easily Mick fessed up.  He asks the guys, who are still loitering behind the rig, if they heard it, and they did, (but they only bet on the physical violence, so that’s all they care about).  Mick calls everyone back in.  Now that he’s taken  his lumps, physical and emotional, he wants to say his piece.

He didn’t leave out of cowardice.  He saw how delusional Sheila was being about healing Damian, saw how that would lead to certain financial ruin, and when he tried telling her this, she kicked him out.

It puts Mick back in his usual role, as the voice of morality.  He didn’t even come to 62 Truck to improve their opinion of him, he did it to tell them to be as honest with Sheila as he’s been.  Then he takes his leave.  We’ll have to see where this goes.

ACT FOUR

Now we’re in Central Park for the pavilion dedication.  Franco has just found out what "pavilion" means: public toilet.  That's what the city has decided to name after a fallen 9/11 firefighter.  Nice.  The city government usually plays the faceless, incompetent straw man role on this show, and here is no different.

Obviously the New York of Rescue Me needs a dose of Deputy Mayor Mike Flaherty.  Come on, Rescue Me, bring back Michael J. for the last season!

The guys look for someone to take their anger on, and luckily there happens to be a man in a suit walking by.  No, they really say just that that: "Yeah, we need a guy in a suit.  Right now."

This bland city official is 100% unapologetic and insensitive, as though the city can't even train its mid-level bureaucrats to muster up false sympathy.  Puh-leeze.  This guy just tells them to go with the flow, then threatens to bring over Mrs. Mahoney when the guys try to protest.

Lou joins the group at this point.  He's been using the facilities without realizing those facilities are dedicated to Pat Mahoney.  Ooooh.

Franco's had it.  Pat deserves better and he wants to do something.  The guys are in agreement.  Lou has a plan.  Franco will run to Lou's truck to get his toolbox, then meet the guys back here.

Then Tommy gets a phone call.  It's Colleen.  Her meeting starts in 15 minutes, AND Janet is waiting at home for him to pick her up to go to the dance recital, which starts in an hour and a half.  But the ceremony hasn't even started yet, and he's stuck here with Damian.  They're kinda veering into farce territory, with all the juggling Tommy has to do, but they stop just short because Colleen angrily tells Tommy he can just forget the meeting.  She's got another sponsor: Uncle Teddy, and the request is withdrawn.

Tommy thinks he can still make it to Katie's dance recital, so he decides to head out, leaving Damian in Lou's care.  There's a complicated planning sequence for how they'll work this out--they're trading cars so Lou can drive Damian around in the specialty van, but Lou also can't take Damian home because Sheila only allowed Tommy to drive Damian, so they'll have to switch cars AGAIN later.

And Tommy heads out.

A short while later the ceremony is in full swing.  The suit from earlier is giving a halfhearted speech for Pat Mahoney, and then it's time to reveal the plaque.  They pull back the curtains, and in the plaque's place is a note that says, "Pat Mahoney says, 'Eat Shit!'"

Still, I wonder how the never-seen Mrs. Mahoney feels about her son's plaque being stolen.  They never explain that one.

Tommy meanwhile arrives back at Janet's to find that she's gone ahead to the dance recital without him--he learns this via a note she left him, which also reminds him not to be late.  Tommy decides he'll have a snack, so he gets some lunchmeat out of the fridge and just eats it by itself, then squirts some mustard into his mouth. (Which I can personally vouch is delicious!).

Then he notices a book on the bookshelf.  It's that How to Throw a Football book by Johnny Unitas.  He takes it down and flips through it fondly.  See, HERE is where I'm thinking Janet and the kids have a point, that Tommy is being neglectful.  He's left the dedication ceremony and Damian to tend to the family, but when he finds this book he gets sidetracked.  Janet's diagnosis of "emotional ADD" sounds spot-on. 

Then we catch up with Lou and the guys.  They've taken the stolen plaque to city hall, where Lou is supergluing it to the wall in a discrete spot.  Franco worries it'll get noticed and taken down.  But the guys don't mind.  It's a better place than a public toilet, and even if nobody knows it's here, they know it's here.

I double checked, and the plaque does say it's meant specifically for a pavilion.  But I bet it'll still go unnoticed.

Back at Janet's, Tommy replaces his book on the shelf and notices an envelope sticking out of another book.  He pulls it out, opens it, and inside discovers a pamphlet on how to have a healthy pregnancy after 40, and a pregnancy test for Janet.  From a doctor.  She's pregnant AGAIN!  Good thing she has nothing else to do besides be a mother and wife, otherwise this could get tricky.  Actually, how awesome would it be if it turns out Janet actually has an amazing career as like a restaurant owner and they just never mention it?

Also, I noticed the title of the other book Tommy finds the  pregnancy test in...it's a self-help book for Janet, only it's called Blame: A Guide to Coping with Life's Issues.

Remember Sheila's book from earlier?  If anyone has doubted that Janet is, like Mick and all the hallucinations, serve as manifestations of Tommy's conscience, here's your proof.

ACT FIVE
Tommy is in the car now.  Gets a call from Sheila.  She wants to know where Damian, and he seems to have forgotten all about Damian, but only for a second.  He lies that Damian is right there in the car with him and that they're on the way back to her place.  Which she buys.  She also says there's some kind of alternative health seminar tonight, and she wants to go, so Tommy offers to watch Damian while she's gone.  That way he'll have more time to get Dame-o.

But before she hangs up...Sheila wants to say hi to Damian.  I think you know where this is headed.

Yup.  Tommy does "the voice."  Which Sheila actually takes as a sign that the protein whatevers Dr. Zurich is giving Damian are working.

I gotta admit...this was hilarious.  Tommy's fully aware of how horrible he is the entire time, which also made it wonderful.

Then Tommy calls Lou to find out where everyone is.  Lou's hammered, because everyone is at a bar, and they've taken Damian along with them!  Tommy's extremely upset and steps on the gas to get there ASAP.

But the guys all have some time before Tommy arrives, so we get to see what happens when the guys take a brain-damaged individual to a bar.

Nobody is really sure what to do with Damian, and Mike is vaguely uncomfortable.  But then some very attractive ladies come over.  They've noticed Damian and want to know the story.  The guys all explain how Damian used to be a firefighter, and this is how he ended up, and they're firefighters too, but they still hang out with Damian, blah blah blah.

It keeps going.

The guys start talking about the ways they individually take care of Damian, from washing to feeding.  Garrity even cock blocks Mike in the most unique way I've ever heard, which is to say he tells the girls Mike's the one to clean Damian's groin area.  Franco asks the ladies if they'd like some drinks, they say "Yes," and the guys agree to meet them over at the bar.

But THEN, amazed at how easy that was, the guys decide Damian is "the ultimate wingman," because he attracts women but can't cockblock anyone, so they start drawing out a schedule of when each guy will get to have Damian to himself.  It escalates into an argument, but Needles steps in and puts some shame in them.  The guys are chastened and head over to the ladies.  Needles and Black Shawn both can't believe how disrespectful the others are being.  And finally a lone woman comes over to ask about Damian, Needles decides to turn on the charm too, and that's that.

Tommy is still in the car when he gets a call from Janet.  She's called to tell him he missed Katie's dance recital completely.  So he's completely botched his familial obligations today, and didn't get to attend Mahoney's ceremony OR anti-ceremony.  All that's left is Damian.  He tries to use the dedication ceremony as an excuse for missing Colleen's and Katie's things, but Janet won't hear it.  She tries one last time to direct Tommy's behavior.  Pat Mahoney is gone, and Damian basically is too.  But Tommy's daughters are still here.  She points out the inherent flaw in Tommy's character, which is that he's a fantastic firefighter and will go to insane lengths to rescue strangers, but he's a complete fuckup with his family.

(Tommy also tries to draw out an admission from her that she's pregnant, but it's not the main thrust of the scene, and it only prompts her saying that).

Then it's back to city hall, which is empty except for two members of the cleaning staff.  One has noticed the plaque, but doesn't realize it's out of place and instead refers to that section of city hall as "The Pat Mahoney Pavilion."  That sounds off to the other guy, because he's never heard of it being called that before, but the first guy thinks that's because he's just unobservant.  Maybe being observant is why this Pat Mahoney guy gets a plaque, whoever he is.  And they go back to their work.

I liked this scene a lot as a memorial to Mahoney...it doesn't especially single out Mahoney; it could be anyone's name on there.  But the plaque belongs, and the respect normally given to anyone with a plaque of their name fits Mahoney, too.  They avoid the public toilet idiocy, but they also avoid a false kind of dedication.  Earlier the guys understood that not every firefighter can really get an individual memorial, so a big show of grandeur wouldn't fit, either.

And finally we end up at Sheila's.  Tommy is reading the pregnancy pamphlet as Damien dozes.  Damian's blanket slips.  Tommy gets up to adjust it.  And when he's leaning down, Damien snaps to his old self, grabs Tommy's wrist, and says, "You did this to me!"

POST-CAP THOUGHTS

Was there confusion about the ending?  I saw it as straightforward—Tommy hallucinated it, similar to the way he sees Jimmy and Connor, and the purpose was to expose Tommy’s guilt about Damian.  His hallucinations are almost always just a visual way to portray his conscience.  I’d been wondering why Tommy didn’t seem as affected by Damian’s brain damage as Sheila was, and the ending would indicate he’s been sublimating it, but now it comes surging to the surface.

I’ve seen some other interpretations online…two that I’ve seen are that Damian is actually dead, (which I guess fits into the overall idea that Tommy is really dead), or that Damian is faking it.  It didn’t even occur to me that there could be multiple interpretations until I found those interpretations online, so I can’t really defend the alternatives.  Anyone have differing ideas?

This was an uneven season, but it did have many wonderful moments...loved Tommy and Janet's ongoing attempt to rekindle their marriage and especially the restaurant scene where they cycled through everything they love AND hate about each other in a span of five minutes; loved the way they played with 9/11's long-term consequences and how it affects the FDNY politics; loved the overall psychological realism, which I thought they especially nailed in this episode.

They're coming back with nine final episodes in a year's time, with the series finale to coincide with the 10th anniversary of 9/11.  I thought the part of tonight's episode, about everyone's struggle to figure out just how to honor the dead, was particularly setting up the series finale.  I'm really eager to see how they handle the 10th anniversary, whatever they decide to come up with.

And there's more of this to look forward to:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFGo5cqcxP4&ob=av2n

I still get chills from that.

Thanks for reading!

>

Mad Men: The Cure for the Common Blackout 4 Sep 2010, 2:40 am

"Followup question: Are you fucking kidding me?"

Well. Last week was early, this week is late, so let's call it even. Real jobs. Pthhbbt.

I loved this episode from the first few seconds, because yay, Danny Strong! That’s two awesome “Hey! It’s That Guy!”s in a row. He’s got his teeny tiny portfolio out for Don and Peggy to snicker at, because it’s kind of hilarious. Greyhound: The Cure for the Common Bus! Budweiser: The Cure for the Common Beer! Etc. Don is almost giggling, but Danny is beaming with pride. And you know, someone somewhere came up with that ubiquitous little turn of phrase, and it had to have been an ad guy, so there you have it. Based on a true story. Anyway, he drops Roger’s name in the least subtle way possible (he's Jane's cousin), and there’s a pipe involved, and he uses the phrase “ad game” and Don just can’t handle it anymore. “Well, best of luck!” Danny (whose name is apparently Danny) is confused that he wasn’t hired on the spot, but Peggy smiles and says “we’ll let you know.” Danny brightly asks for a restaurant recommendation, and Don tells him “Tell my secretary you’re hungry. See what she says.” After Don shuts the door we hear Mrs. Blankenship’s muffled “I don’t work for you!” Ha. Don pours a couple of drinks, because of course he does. I love Team Don & Peggy. I don’t want them to hook up or anything, ever, but I want them to hang out more. Seeing Danny has made her all reflective of how far everything has come. “I mean, look at Glo Coat!” She says. “Yes, your work was invaluable, thank you for your years of dedication,” Don fails to respond. Poor Peggy. Anyway, it cannot be a coincidence that this episode went up against the Emmys, because it’s full of stuff like Don saying “You finish something, you find out everyone loves it right around the time it feels like someone else did it.” The entire cast and crew of Lost clears its collective throat. “Is that your speech for the Clios?” Peggy says, and yay, a Clio nomination! It’s about time! I say that not knowing how long the Clios have existed, but the point is, that little cowboy kid has done more for Don’s career than anything he did for Sterling Cooper. Don sort of downplays the whole thing, but acknowledges that it would be good for the agency. Speaking of which, how’s that Vick’s stuff coming along? Peggy says they’re very behind. The new art director (?) is waiting for “synchronicity” and generally being an ass. Don says she has to get used to working with him, not the other way around. He looks pretty pleased with himself. Shut up, Don. Peggy doesn’t even bother protesting. She just tells him “good luck/break a leg” and leaves most of her drink behind for him to finish off.

Roger really does just blend right in to his awesome dichromatic office. It’s perfect. He’s dictating the book he’s been talking about since he found out about David Ogilvy’s like three years ago. “Hardy was so mean to Laurel,” Roger says thoughtfully to his notetaking secretary. Don knocks at the door, and Roger does a high-pitched fake lady voice. “Who iiis it?” Hahaha. It’s the little things. Don comes in honest-to-god laughing about Danny’s portfolio, which was full of five versions of the same tagline, then a bunch of other people’s ads. “Plagiarism,” Roger says. “That’s resourceful.” Roger says he told Danny to be himself: “I guess that was kind of mean.” And Don is just downright jolly! That’s nice to see, right? After all the sadness and brownness? Huh? Anyway, Roger asks when he starts, and when Don giggles “the first of never!” Roger reminds him how these transactions work: If he doesn’t hire Jane’s cousin, it will cost him a personal gift expenditure between $500-1000. He smiles and shakes Don’s hand, wishing him a genuine good luck at the Clios this afternoon.

Why wait for a man to buy you a fur coat, when you can just use the alimony and child support you got in the divorce to buy like ten of them?

And deedle deedle doo! Deedle deedle doo! (Wayne’s world flashback sound) An even jollier, salesmany Don is shaking the hand of a slightly younger, equally smartassy Roger, who’s still wearing the three-pointed pocket square (it’s been a square square lately), trying to buy a fur coat. Cause remember? That’s where Roger’s always saying he “found” Don? Whenever he gets bitter about how brilliant everybody thinks Don is? Anyway, Roger’s looking for something that says “I’m getting to know you, but I don’t want to scare you.” After trying on a fetching mink stole, Roger decides to split the difference and go with something waist-length. He glances at the poster on the wall and reads it out loud: “Why wait for a man to buy you a fur coat?” it says, and there’s a beautiful photo of OH MY GOD THAT’S BETTY. I hadn’t noticed the first time around, but isn’t that how Don met her? She was definitely a model, but apparently he either met her on the job or he asked his girlfriend/fiancée/future ex wife to do him a favor for work. Cool! Anyway, Roger’s like “That’s a dumb question. Who does your work?” “I do,” Don says, choosing not pretend it’s not awkward. It’s an interest of his, and they let him do it. Roger hands him a card, and he’s all ZOMG squee does this mean I can maybe talk about working for you guys? And Roger’s like, no, it means you can call that number and get some specific delivery instructions. “Of course, Mr. Sterling,” Young Happy Don says without missing a beat.

“I saw you leave the office with something under your arm,” says freaking JOAN, ten-or-so years ago Joan, sitting on the edge of a hotel bed with a glass of champagne. Aww. Wow, that means they were together-but-not-really for a looong time. They only broke it off in season 1 or 2, right? And this was at least 5 or so years before that. “Oh Roger,” she coos, “you shouldn’t have!” in a way that means “you absolutely should have.” He tells her to try it on, but take off the dress first. “One gift at a time,” she purrs. Yowza. Roger finds Don’s portfolio tucked tackily away inside the box. He grumbles that it’s out of line, but it is soon forgotten when Joan says “when I wear it I’ll think of everything that happened the night I got it,” looking and sounding exactly like a Tex Avery cartoon. Aooooogah! Aww. Memories.  (Deedle deedle doo, deedle deedle doo!) Roger snaps out of it and calls his secretary in.  “I think I finally have a work story!”

"How's about you take off that mink and wrap yourself up in some SILVER FOX?"

So everybody’s waiting in the conference room for the Life Cereal people, which is the last thing Don has to do before the Clios. He’s excited. It’s cute. Harry’s like “Here’s my story about how I went to the Emmys and here’s my Red Skelton namedrop!” But I can’t hate Harry for that – the TV department did kind of fall into his lap but that doesn’t mean he’s not good at it. Except for that time he didn’t hire Joan when she was so awesome at that scriptreading job. On my shit list forever for that, Crane. Also: This scene aired a few minutes before Rich Sommer stood on stage at the Emmys with all of these other people. Rich Sommer could drop some way more impressive names than Harry. Meta-licious! Anyway, oh no, turns out the Life Cereal guys’ flight is delayed, so whoops, they’re just gonna have to get pre-drunk for the Clios instead! Oh, and by the way, Peggy’s not invited. “There were only four tickets,” Pete explains, and for some reason they go to Don (obviously), Roger (of course), Pete (maybe it’s his account?) and Joan (???). “There’ll be a lot of other people’s clients there,” Don explains, like that makes any goddamn sense at all. Really, you need arm candy at the freaking Clios? And Peggy may not be a Tex Avery cartoon, but she sure is pretty, if that's a requirement. Sheesh.

So Peggy is already pretty annoyed when she tries to get some work done with this new guy, who I don’t think we’ve ever seen before, and oh my god. He's a Hipster Douchebag prototype (beta) v1.1 (upgrade from Paul Kinsey, v1.0). Where the hell did he come from?  What happened to Peggy’s lesbian pal or that cute writer she made out with or any of the other jillion one-off characters we’ve gotten this season? We get this guy instead? Anyway, apparently this guy is Stanley Rizzo, and I don’t know if I should get used to him or not. He’s showing a couple of the secretaries a “Vote For President Johnson Because The KKK Says So” ad that never aired. Classy. “Girls, do you mind?” Peggy tells Clara and Megan (she of French Extraction). Ha! “Girls.” Peggy’s balls get bigger and bigger with each passing week. Anyway, Stan is really into “nudity is freedom! You’re brainwashed to think your body is dirty!” Whereas Peggy’s really into “Oh my god shut up and do your job!” Poor Peggy has no one else to vent to about her heavy involvement in and utter lack of recognition for Glo Coat, so it has to be him, and he’s totally compassionate and comforting and reassuring. No, I kid, he’s (wait for it) a douche. “Okay, I’m just gonna riff for awhile. Speechitize the whole Vick’s experience.” Peggy’s eyes cannot roll far back enough. Also, he calls her “toots” without irony.

The Clios are at the Waldorf, hence the punny title! Don and Roger sit at the bar chatting with colleagues when who should walk by but Ted Chaughahgah! He calls them Pebbles and Bam Bam, for some reason. He thinks he’s being all scathing and intimidating, but that kind of thing only works if anyone cares at all about anything you say, ever. The degree to which Don and Roger utterly fail to give a single shit is truly magnificent. His arm candy is Major General Frank Galvin. For some reason. Don introduces Ted, and Roger’s like “Oh, that’s how you say it!” Ted does some more ineffective taunting, and after they walk away Roger says “General Rufus T. Bullshit!” which I want to change all of my screennames to right now. He says the guy’s an actor, paid to look important next to “Chow-guh-guh.” Roger has already made my night with those two quotes right next to each other like that.

Joan and Pete run into Ken! Cosgrove! Accounts! along with with the BirdsEye guy – that’s one of the accounts they lost when they left Sterling Cooper. “I hear the old team’s getting back together!” Bird Eye announces. Pete’s all “Arooo?”  “Judas Priest, are we merging?” Pete whispers to Joan. Ha! I like this “one wacky Pete turn of phrase per episode” thing we have going. A thing like that! “Talk to Lane,” Joan answers knowingly, since she always knows everything about everything. Oh, hey, there’s Duck! And wow, he needs to have a talk with Freddy Rumsen, because if there’s any way to get any further off the wagon, I’d like to see it. Like, standing up, heckling the host, dragged off by security, that kind of off the wagon. Yeah, go ahead and smirk, Don Draper. It’s not like you’re an actual “make an ass out of yourself at work and lose an entire weekend” kind of drunk, right? “God, I miss working with that guy,” Roger says with genuine fondness.

It’s Don’s turn now. As the nominees are read, there’s a super cute shot of Joan’s hand holding Roger’s under the table. And before they announce the winner, there’s an even cuter shot of Don grabbing her other hand. She’s the glue that holds them together! Or something. They probably just wanted to show her pretty knees, but it is fun that Don cares enough about this thing to be nervous about it. Don never cares about anything! Also, in general, there is not nearly enough interaction between Joan and Don. Although man, he sure plants a pretty fat kiss on her when they announce that the winner is “Billy The Kid” from Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce! Yay! Really, that is one serious smooch. Don goes up to the stage, smiles for the camera as he is handed a little statue, then goes and sits right back down where he was before. Yay! Now we can celebrate! Isn’t that right, Megan? Wait, what? Megan sheepishly congratulates him, then tells them that she had to run down the block and interrupt because the Life Cereal people rented a car and are sitting at the office waiting for the meeting they’re like 3 hours late for. But whatever! Don’s got this, no problem. Didn’t you just see him win that award? Surely he can handle some damn cereal, right? So let’s do this thing!

"Life: It Makes You Throw Up In Your Mouth A Little!"

Harry is entertaining the clients in the conference room, pouring drinks and spoiling future Peyton Place episodes for them. Cause he gets to read them, and there was no Internet for him to post them on, and almost certainly no confidentiality agreement like Rich Sommer must have to sign when he gets his Mad Men scripts. This episode is SO META. So yay, hail the conquering hero and his little golden statue! Jon Hamm, incidentally, is thoroughly, aggressively awesome in this episode. Between this and the Emmys, Jon Hamm wins Sunday night. And delirious Clio-high Don is kind of great, at first. I mean, it’s nice to see him actually happy, that’s not really something we get a lot of. Roger at least includes Peggy in his drunken victory lap around the conference table, then he’s off to let the worky people do their “work.” “Is everyone set?” Joan asks. “That’s one word for it,” Lane replies. Heh. Pete is the kind of annoyed that you get when you’re not drunk but you’re surrounded by a bunch of drunks who don’t know how drunk they are. Joey’s supposed to deliver the pitch, but Don’s like “I got it!” He’s drunk on success AND whiskey, and I’m not sure which one decided to wing it here, but I’m pretty sure I know which one he’s burping up. And really, this would qualify as coasting no matter what – it’s the same “nostalgia” thing that worked so well for Carousel all those years ago. Which, to be fair, can and does sell just about anything, but this is pretty much Don going “Hey, remember that time I said all that stuff about nostalgia? Remember that? That was awesome!”

And it’s a nice ad. “Eat Life by the bowlful!” But he oversells the psychology angle and the guys think it’s too smartypants. They want a slogan. Pete’s kind of relieved. “Why don’t we let Don work that over? We can meet on Monday if you stay the weekend-“ “I got it! I got it, Pete!” Don protests, EXACTLY like a drunk guy trying to open his car door with his house key. “I’m totally fine to drive!” I don’t know what those drunk guys are trying to prove, but Don is trying to prove that he can still just pull awesomeness right out of his ass at a moment’s notice. Spoiler: He can’t. I mean, some of them aren’t bad. “Life is Sweet!” Others are pretty awful. “Life Is Just a Bowl of Life Cereal!” **crickets** His colleagues glare at him like he just did a little booty dance with Betty White. Pete chuckles awkwardly and says “I’m sure they’re not expecting you to do this right now!” By which he means “Christ on a cracker, you’re making an ass of yourself!" But Don soldiers on, trying to keep the clients interested. He’s desperate. “The Cure for the Common Breakfast!” He blurts out. And wouldn’t you know it, that’s the one they love. Score one for Danny! Whoops. Peggy shakes her head in disbelief. Pete’s just glad it’s over. Peggy tries to confront Don in the hallway but he just acts like a total dick in her general direction and tells Mrs. Blankenship to “Book a room with a lock on it for Misters Olson and Rizzo.” And don’t come out till you have something! “Are you kidding?” she says, and by way of answer he completely ignores her, downs the rest of his drink and hands her the empty glass like she’s a cocktail waitress. They have an afterparty to get to, Mr. Olson! He’ll get to the whole “stealing ideas he just ridiculed earlier" situation later.

She tries Pete: “I need to speak with you.” But he’s got Ken (Cosgrove! Accounts!) on the brain and he blows her off to bitch about it to Lane, who sighs heavily. That’s pretty much Lane’s default reaction to Pete: Heavy sigh. No, Lane tells him, they’re not merging, he just heard through the grapevine that Ken wasn’t especially happy at Gray, and that he was thinking of taking all of his big accounts elsewhere. Pete throws a cute little Pete tantrum. “Over my dead body!” and “I’m a partner, dammit!” and “You’ve never liked me!” But Lane stops him mid-stormout to sigh heavilier. “Roger Sterling is a child,” he explains. “We can’t have you pulling the cart all by yourself.” They know Ken’s good. Plus he comes as a package deal with Birds Eye and “a beverage called Mountain Dew!” Pete softens a little. Lane’s having lunch with Ken on Monday. “If your tantrum has subsided, you’re welcome to join us.” Pete heads for the door, but Lane adds “And on a personal note, I’d like to add that I’m quite fond of you, and it pains me to hear you say otherwise.” Aww. Way to take all the storm out of a stormout, Lane!

"Hey baby, come on back to my Fortress of Brownitude and we can see if your Freudian slip looks better crumpled up on my bedroom floor!"

At the afterparty, Joan is still serving as arm candy for Don and Roger, who is just as embarrassingly drunk as Don. Roger pesters Chaugogughh's General, the one Roger thinks is an actor, but from the scary way the guy reacts to Roger’s smartass, jovial “Name some aircraft for me!” I’m thinking maybe Roger is mistaken. Joan’s charm saves him from an asskicking, for what I’m guessing is the billionth time Don spots Faye Miller across the room and plucks her away from the guy she’s talking to. Don thinks he’s rescuing her from an unwanted advance. He’s not. Don is a drunk fucktard. “DDddhhjjoo see the part where I won?” Don asks her, hilariously. It probably goes without saying that his lame attempt at picking her up is politely declined. “I think you’re confusing a lot of things at once right now,” she says, more correct than she can possibly imagine. Hang in there, Don! Stick around long enough and eventually someone won’t care how drunk you are!

Okay, this Rizzo guy is getting kind of ridiculous. Also, typing that has put that one song from Grease in my head all week. But he’s just, I mean, why would he say things like “I know you’re his favorite. I bet he takes you hunting and lets you carry the carcasses in your mouth”? Really, what is the backstory here? That’s just vicious. We’ve seen people giggled at and marginalized but actual outright bitter insults are pretty rare. Peggy, to her credit, ignores his truly awful bullshit and tries to work, but he won’t get his nose out of his Playboy. He’s all “You wouldn’t understand! It opens my mind with freedom!” Peggy wonders why he’s not a nudist, if he loves nakedness so damn much. Well, he totally would be, if it weren’t for all the prudes like her. “You don’t know anything about me,” she says, which is pretty much her catchphrase. “I know you’re ashamed of your body. Or you should be, at least.” Seriously? Jesus. Peggy just wants to get the hell out of there. She decides to call his bluff. She takes off her dress, and he’s all “wha?” “You’re lazy, and you have no ideas. I can work like this. Let’s get liberated!” He calls her a fruitcake, she calls him a chickenshit, and there’s nowhere else to go from here except naked. She keeps taking off clothes, staring him right in the eye, and it’s awesome. He joins her but stops at his relatively loosey whiteys. Peggy glares. “What are you waiting for?” Finally he drops them and sits across from her. Peggy is not at all afraid to call him out on his boner, which he gets all defensive about like he’s some repressed, non-liberated person or something. “Now let’s talk cough drops!” she says brightly.

Suck on this, Fred Armisen! I guess your husbanding is about as good as your Obama impression. (That's mean. I feel bad. I'm sure they're both nice people. Sorry.)

At the Waldorf, a pretty brunette ad groupie (those exist?) asks Roger “is that DON DRAPER??? Is he attached?” Roger: “To that glass? Absolutely.” Joan tells her to have at it. Roger mopes that Don seems pretty proud of himself. “Well, it’s a big day for him,” Joan says. “It’s a big day for all of us,” Roger clarifies. “ESPECIALLY YOU! Okay?” Joan chides. Roger grumbles that they don’t give awards for what he does. “And what is that?” Joan teases. “Find guys like him,” Roger says, gesturing toward a canoodly Don. Aaaand deedle deedle doo! Deedle deedle doo! Lil Baby Don runs into Lil Baby Roger TOTALLY BY ACCIDENT in the lobby of the Sterling Cooper building. Don’s like “oh hey, fancy meeting you here, I’m here for a totally different meeting at a totally different office.” Roger: “Name one other company in this building.” Don: “…” Ha. Don's left some messages for Roger. "And I've ignored them. That's my message to you." Don just wants a break, like he's sure Roger once did, and he'd give anything to buy him a drink and hear anything he has to say. "It's 10am!" Roger pretends to protest, but Don had him at "dr-". So they sit with their not-even-brunch martinis and listen to Roger talk about himself. "My mom always said, be careful what you wish for, cause then you'll get it. And other people will get jealous, and try to take it away from you." "Uh. I don't think that's exactly how it goes," Don says, but whatever, Don is charmed and he wants to buy Roger lunch too. "I'm stuffed," Roger declines. "I had a jar of olives." Don is concerned - I mean, look how drunk this guy is already! Who DOES that? "Garcon!" Roger calls out to the empty restaurant. Then, in French, "My name is Roger, and I am a taxi, please."

Naked Peggy is naked brainstorming. Just lalala, worky work! Naked Stan's boner hasn't gone anywhere, and Peggy draws his attention to it, and there's this completely awesome staredown, which she wins. "Fine!" He finally says, pulling on his not-especially-tighty not-especially-whiteys. "You win!" "Win what?" Peggy says innocently. Why, the prize for the smuggest bitch in the world, of course! Peggy looks like she can totally live with that. It's not a Clio, but it'll do!

Come on, brain cells! There are only like ten of you left, but if you all work together you can wake this asshole up before he chokes on his own vomit!

And Don's ad groupie is actually a Clio winner. How insufferably sexist for me to assume otherwise. "What did you win for again?" he slurs at her as they tumble drunkenly around in his sad brown bed. "Cake mixes and toppings," she whispers seductively. She hums the alleged jingle, which is the Star Spangled Banner, and goes out of frame in a way that means "ORAL SEX IS OCCURRING NOW" and Don gets a dumb smile on his face. (Best line of the night: "*zzzzzzip* Oh. Okay!") And I think, oh man, he's going to fall asleep, or he'll finally know the shame of whiskey dick, and THAT will be rock bottom! Cause nobody messes with his mojo, or whatever! But he wakes up in the same position to a ringing phone. Betty has been calling him for hours and screeches harpily at him (with good reason) for not showing up to pick up the kids at 10am like he said he would. She and Henry missed a brunch, or something, and the kids are just sitting around waiting. "We said SUNDAY!" Don says, annoyed. "It IS Sunday!" Betty returns, annoyeder. And another point for the lady! Don is pretty spooked. And he really starts to freak out when he looks over and sees that the girl in bed next to him is A TOTALLY DIFFERENT GIRL. Whoa. It's not like Don hasn't done back-to-back random hookups or anything. That's not the problem. The problem is that the Clios were Friday, he took cake topping lady home that night, then woke up on Sunday with random waitress lady. That's fucked up even by Don standards. She's all jolly and flirty and the more she talks about all the stuff that happened last night the more freaked out he gets. Like how he said he was gonna take her picture, you know, right before he ordered those fries and right after his sister left. !!! The kicker? She calls him "Dick." Hoooo boy.

He stammers that he's sorry, he forgot he had plans. Then he goes into the bathroom to freak out and pretend to shower till she leaves. Then it's the hair of the dog, at god knows when, and he flops onto the sofa and falls asleep through yet another time lapse. Still seems to be Sunday this time, though. And it's a knock at the door that wakes him: Peggy. Of course. I just cannot get enough of Don and Peggy, especially these awesome blatant role switches they do every now and then. She tried calling Friday, then yesterday it just rang and rang, and today it's busy. Don, mumbling: "...my phone's not working." He's barely even trying, poor thing. She asks to come in, and he lets her, possibly oblivious to how fucking disgusting and sad it is in there. She tells him, finally, like she's been trying to since the meeting, that he stole Danny/Jonathan's stupid tagline for Life Cereal. He honestly doesn't seem to believe her at first. And really, if it were anyone else telling him, I don't know if he ever would believe it. "Think of ten more tags," he says, trying to get out of it. "No," she says simply. She's been working all weekend in that stupid hotel room with that asshole. Don: "What room?" Sigh. She gives him a stern lecture on how he's going to have to make it right. Tomorrow. Period. His mouth says "...shit." But his humiliated slouch says "yes ma'am."

Lane announces to Pete that Ken's on his way over and he's added Pete to their lunch reservations. "No," Pete says, all important-like. "When he gets here, bring him to the conference room." Luckily Lane seems pretty amused by all this, so he just smiles and nods. Apparently he is quite fond of the little bastard after all.

Peggy and Stan did end up with a decent ad for Vick's, but lucky for them, Don can never know that it's a result of his stupid drunken idea he doesn't even remember. Captain Asshole says "yeah, that's pretty much how I pitched it." And Peggy's right there to say "Yeah, I only changed one little thing," holding her fingers up in a way that leaves no doubt at all that Stan has a tiny penis. That explains a lot. Also: Peg-gy! Peg-gy! Peg-gy!

The first thing Don says to Mrs. Blankenship is "Call the Pen & Pencil, see if anybody found my award." Oh now that's just extra sad. And all heavy with symbolism and shit. He walks, Clio-less and dejected, into his office, only to find Jonathan/Danny perched merrily on his couch. "Hey!" he chirps. "They told me to wait in here." Cue Mrs Blankenship on the intercom: "Your little friend is waiting!" COMEDY GOLD. Don tries an easy way out. He wants to buy the Cure for the Common Tagline from him for $50. "I don't need $50, I need a job." Hm, craftier than he looks, that one. Also, did he mention he's kind of related to Roger? He's all pleady and go-getty and hungry, like Lil Baby Don once was, but it's also not especially clear if he has any actual talent. And all of that is beside the point. They literally have to hire him. Congratulations? His presence, like Mrs. Blankenship's, is squarely, solely the result of something dumb that Drunkass Don did. Drunkass Don is kind of starting to cramp regular Don's style.

"What? This is how I sit now. I totally sit like this all the time."

Pete is waiting, Godfather-style, in the conference room. He doesn't even acknowledge Ken until Lane has politely deposited him in front of Pete, at which time Pete gives him a truly PeteTacular speech. When someone begins with "I've given this a lot of thought," you know your patience is about to be tested. But this is Ken we're talking about. Kool as a Kucumber. And like, stupid Pete, all you had to do was say "I'm a partner. You're not. Good to have you back." But instead of saying that, he gets all verbose and pompous and almost literally puffs himself up like one of those throat-bubble frogs. Ken keeps his cool, because that's how he do. But he does let Pete know, with a slight variation on his constant grin (from "shit-eating" to "cautiously polite" on the Ken Cosgrove Grin-O-Meter™), that he gets it. Whether Pete's display inspired respect from Ken, or whether he just showed Ken all his cards, and Ken will use them against him as soon as possible, remains to be seen. "So." Pete finishes. "How are those wedding plans coming along?" His "I'm just kickin it, partner-style" posture is downright hilarious. He's learning, though! I mean, he did stare Ken down without stomping his foot and saying something Peteriffic like "Why can't anything good happen to me all at once???" And that is real progress.

I hope Danny Strong doesn't mind the short jokes, because they will never, ever end. Surely he has embraced that by now. This long shot of Don AND Peggy both towering over him is just golden. "You will NOT regret this!" he gushes. "Whatever," Don says under his breath on his way out.

I hope sight gags like this pay for your car and your house and your kids' college fund, Danny Strong!

"I always liked chocolate ice cream," Roger is telling his dictaphone as Don walks in. "But my mother made us eat vanilla because it didn't stain anything." I know that Breaking Bad kid is super talented, and one day I will watch that show in its entirety and feel guilty for not watching it while it was on, but I sure wish John Slattery had gotten that Emmy. Again with the meta! Roger Sterling, who did not get a Clio, surprises Don by producing his missing trophy. "I'll give it back to you if you say one thing: You couldn't have done it without me."

That's truer than he thinks, really. The final scene is in flashbackland, where fresh-faced Don greets Roger in front of the elevator again. Roger's like "oh my god what is your problem?" And Don's all confused, because wait, Roger hired him! "You said 'welcome aboard'" Lil Baby Don says, perplexed. Roger doesn't know what else to do, so he just stands there while Lil Baby Don waits excitedly and the elevator doors close. Now, the first time I saw this, I thought, for some reason, that Don was referring to another lunch they'd gone on. One that we didn't see. Like the lost weekend of Don's we didn't see either. But I think maybe he was talking about their "lunch," and just completely made that up because he knew how drunk Roger was. Is that possible? I mean, I've seen plenty of seriously drunk people, but they don't all just black out as a matter of course. Roger could easily have said "I did no such thing, General Rufus T. Bullshit, go away," and that would be that. But he either believes him or doesn't have the energy to argue, and ta da, turns out it was one of the best things he ever did for his company.

First you invented yourself, then you hired yourself, and it'll be another ten years or so before you fuck yourself, so kudos.

So is that what Danny is for Don? Or will Danny be an illustration of what happens way more often, which is that confidence and aspiration and drive mean jack shit if you don't have the goods? Don had the goods, and he knew a drunken foot-in-the-door when he saw one. The possibility that Roger has spent all this time thinking he hired Don when in fact Don hired himself? That's just going to add so much delightful subtext to everything that's happened on this entire show. Fantastic!

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Leftovers 3 Sep 2010, 6:30 pm

- Want to know a rumor that can make your Labor Day weekend AMAZING? Paul Lieberstein (Office topper) told e-online that he wouldn't mind doing an Office movie once the series ends. All I am saying is IF they were to do that Steve Carell would have to come BACK!

- Weekend Watching Tip One: VH1 kicks off another fabulous countdown Monday night at 10pm with 100 Greatest Artists of all Time. Get social and sound off on your favorite artist.

- Watching Tip Two: Set your DVR's now because HBO is presenting My Trip to Al-Qaeda on Tuesday at 9pm. Check out the trailer here.

- Someone is drinking and the job and TVGasm approves. Check out TV.com's alternate titles to some of the biggest shows on television. My favorite? Cringe!

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Fox: Kara Is Leaving Idol, Duh 3 Sep 2010, 6:20 pm

Fox just issued a statement confirming Kara's exit off American Idol. Kara said, “I felt like I won the lottery when I joined AMERICAN IDOL two years ago, but I feel like now is the best time to leave IDOL...I am very proud to have been associated with AMERICAN IDOL – it has truly been an amazing experience. I am grateful to FOX, FremantleMedia and 19 Entertainment, as well as the cast, crew and contestants, for all they have given to me. I look forward to my next challenge, and want to thank everyone who has supported me. All the best to everyone on Season 10!”

There you have it, Happy Labor Day!

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Levi Doesn’t Have A Good Approval Rating 3 Sep 2010, 3:57 pm

Alaska is not too keen on Levi Johnston. Want to know what his approval rating is? Six percent! Ha, isn't that insane? That's an F-minus in school, a colossal fail! I certainly hope that his big six percent live in Wasilla! He needs all the votes he can get if he wants to be mayor. The fact that he's actually going through with running is actually pretty funny. It's the biggest f-you to Sarah, as if his Playgirl issue wasn't. So now it's a race for the highest Q-rating...who's going to rate higher by the end of the year? Bristol or Levi?

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Real World: Things Get Hairy 3 Sep 2010, 2:00 pm

Well, this is interesting:  instead of previouslies, we get all of the roommates telling us everything we already know about Hair- he's annoying, immature, a bitch, always looking for a fight, and apparently they all hate him as much as we do.  Hair, on the other hand, claims to be "everyone's friend" back home, but doesn't get along with his roommates.  Pop quiz:  when seven mostly reasonable people say one thing, and your tweaked out brain says something else, who's being ridiculous?  It's probably you.

Newsflash:  No one at home loves you, they just tolerate you better because they don't have to live with you.

Our episode begins with all of the roomies- minus Hair- practicing for some golf tournament or something.  Many shenanigans ensue, complete with terrible golf skills, getting lost on Wisteria Lane in a golf cart, and another golf cart getting stuck in the mud.  Eyes tells us it's amazing how much more fun they have without Hair, and Starfish remarks how pleasant their car ride is when no one is using gay slurs for no reason.

I think Starfish would rather have Tiger Woods creepin on her than be practicing her golf swing.

And now, our desperate little housewives are cleaning when Hair asks Meathead for the keys so he can go get some food.  He leaves and of course the roomies begin to bitch about him never doing anything around the house.  Preston wishes the rest of them would back him up when he calls Hair out for this.  Ruthie Jr. claims that she usually tells him how she feels about everything he does.

Eyes comes in and asks if Hair took the car somewhere.  When he hears that Hair went to eat, Eyes is confused because apparently they were supposed to go eat together.  Jimmeh thinks "that kid is on some not good stuff."  This turns into a full on Hair bashing session, as they complain about him always taking the car and never paying for anything.  Starfish likens him to a mosquito bite:  "You're still gonna have a good day, and you're still gonna live your life, but you're gonna have this little itch that kinda hurts and is just annoying, and just bothers you, and prevents you from having a perfect day."  Don't worry, there's Penicillin for that.  I would also recommend not hanging out with rapists, although it has been a few episodes since she blacked out and disappeared with a stranger, so maybe she's learning.

Hey, just be glad he stopped hitting on you.  Probably because your starfish got in the way of his ear-fondling.

Preston declares that he doesn't want to hear any more Hair talk, so Meathead decides he should go pee on Hair's toothbrush.  Laughs all around, until Hair walks in and is met with crickets.  He asks what happened, and Eyes calls him out for ditching their plans.  Hair claims that he didn't think Eyes really wanted to go.  A simpler solution might have been to ask Eyes whether or not he really wanted to go, but that would not provide the high level of drama that Hair craves.

Morning.  Hair sleeps while Lips suggest to a couple of roomies that they need to sit Hair down and tell him everything they don't like.  Good God, woman, who has that kind of time?!  Oh wait, unemployed people who are contractually obligated to sit around having conversations have that kind of time.  Ruthie Jr. thinks that will make Hair feel attacked.  She is obviously correct because everything anyone has ever done in the vicinity of Hair offends him somehow.  Starfish thinks it's worse to sit around and talk about him behind his back.

Ruthie Jr. tells us she feels the need to stick up for Hair because of his deep dark confession to only her about his IOCD.  Since she can't tell anyone, she's stuck in the middle.  The question here is: who is the clown to the left of you, and who is the joker to the right?  Cause Hair's kind of both, no?

Preston announces to Hair and Meathead that there will be a house meeting that night.  Hair declines the invitation, but Preston says it is not optional.  He tells us he doesn't want to sit there and listen to the roommates tell him what he's doing wrong.  Well, he could always stop being such a difficult roommate, but there we go with the "that won't cause enough drama" mind set.

"I do hair, learning basic social skills isn't my thing."

Eyes feels that he can reason with this fool, so he sits him down one-on-one for a friendly conversation instead of a house meeting.  He brings up the car and ditching their dinner plans.  Hair claims to be respectful with the car but recognizes that the dinner thing was rude.  Or at least, he says he does.  Eyes brings up the cleaning thing too, but Hair brushes that off and says he's sick of "walking on eggshells."  Dude, eggs probably shatter in your presence for fear of offending you somehow.  Hair claims that he doesn't respect his roommates enough to care about being a tolerable person but if he does improve himself it will be for him.  Eyes tells us he thinks Hair understands what he's been doing wrong, but it still remains to be seen whether or not Hair will change.

Eyes tells Preston about his conversation with Hair, and Preston asks if Hair was unaware.  He is surprised to hear Eyes say that Hair apparently did know what was going on.

Hair gets on the Alex the Phone with his brother to tell him about the roommates having a problem with him.  He takes very much delight in how annoying he is because he's kind of a sociopath.

Get your sick, twisted self away from poor, defenseless Alex.  He's been through enough!

Damn, a certain sandwich chain has certainly paid the big bucks for product placement this season.  Between this and Chuck, they must have quite the advertising budget.  I suppose they've got to do something now that Jared got fat again.  Lips, Preston, Jimmeh, and Ruthie Jr. are having a picnic in the park when Preston calls a guy with a dog over so they can pet him.  The dog then promptly steals and goes to town on Preston's sandwich.  Well, let this be a lesson to anyone who thought it was a good idea to bring a dog to a picnic.

Hair gets on the phone with his brother, who will soon arrive for a visit.  Back at the picnic, Jimmeh says she is curious about Hair's brother, because she can figure out the other roomies' friends, but not him.  They muse that Brother would have to be more mature than Hair because, well, so is the average three year old.  Cut to Hair and Brother on the phone saying "stinky butt" back and forth to each other.  Well, I'll bet Preston smoked a few stinky butts awhile back.

Apparently Ruthie Jr. and Eyes made some friends on Mardi Gras day, but we wouldn't know that because we were too busy watching Jimmeh confess to Meathead while Starfish disappeared (I don't actually remember if she did, but the odds on any given day are better than even).  Anyway, Preston refers to them as the "Queer Connect" and mentions one named Marty specifically.  Preston and the Queer Connect, which is begging to be a hipster band name, go through a book of sexual positions as Preston tells us that Marty is a cutie and "more importantly" is also very sweet.  What is this talk, Preston?  Who ARE you?  You don't have feelings!  He gives the old "we'll see what happens" with a hopeful grin on his face.

Preston and Marty go on a little date (datelet?) the next day to an ice cream shop.  Preston says everything about Marty is new to him.

Except for licking phallic things.

Preston says it's nice to be real with someone.  Translation:  he is crushing, hard.  He says he usually objectifies men but Marty is different.

And then, back at the house, the shouting begins as Brother and Cousin arrive.  We don't get many shots of their faces, nor their names or even a clear distinction of which one is Brother and which one is Cousin.  My first thought is that they're with the Witless Protection Program, but the more likely scenario is that they are embarrassed to be associated with Hair.  Jimmeh tells us that Brother and Cousin are exactly like him, but with brown hair.  I'm distracted though, because holy crap, I just noticed that Jimmeh has the bluest eyes EVER:

Or should I say "She's got eyes of the bluest skies..."

Out at the bar, when Hair has stepped away, Meathead asks Brother if Hair is okay and brings up the incident in which he repeatedly hit his head against the car window.  His brother appreciates the concern but says Hair is fine.  Meathead says he's concerned and none of the roommates can get through to him but maybe his family can.

Hair is hitting on a girl, but more importantly, Eyes is hitting on her friend.  He tells us he's really attracted to this girl, whose name is Michelle, even though he hates to compare her to Ruthie Jr.  Dude, stop thinking about her and just GET SOME!

Well, it seems to be going well since she joins him back at the house and meets the roomies and gets a house tour.  And THEN, she's climbing into his bed wearing his clothes, and he's looking forward to getting some when...

Why yes, yes she does:  It's 1-800-COCKBLOCK

Eyes tells us he's "berating this girl, who's in my bed... in my clothes... hanging out with ME."  Poor, poor Eyes.  Presumably, he has had other hookups in NOLA, but we haven't seen any so for all we know Hair is cockblocking a rare opportunity for Eyes.  And just like that, she's jumping out of bed saying she needs to go home.  Eyes tries to get her to stay, but she feels weird being there.  Eyes and his blue balls reluctantly walks her out.  He heads back into the house and asks some roomies what Hair said to the girl.  He concludes that Hair is "like Kryptonite with normal people."

The next morning, everyone is still sleeping so it must be before... noon, I suppose.  Hair and Brother are in Hair's bed when Cousin dives in to join them.  Meanwhile, the other bed in the room houses one lonely, frustrated occupant.

... Who deserves to wake up to a pretty girl, not this freak show.

Just to add insult to injury, they begin a chorus of farts as Eyes tells us they are "like the Three Stooges and All-American Rejects combined."  Hey now, the Three Stooges are beloved by many.  I do see the emo hipster comparison with AAR though.  He says his irritability level in the house is usually a 3 or a 4, but "the instant that Brother and Cousin have been here, I've been riding on an 8."

And last night, he could have had an 8 riding on him.  Hey-oh!

Oh, great.  It's Hair's birthday and he's excited.  Awesome.  I hope your mother and father take this day to reflect on what they have inflicted on the world.  He heads down to Bourbon St. with Brother and Cousin.  They see dogs with money attached to them and Hair says he's supposed to get money pinned to him for his birthday.  Brother and/or Cousin pin $2 to his shirt.  Hey, wasn't Lips' brother supposed to visit for his 21st?  Are we going to get to see that?  Anyway, after some day drinking, the Three Rejects hop in a cab back to the house.  I should probably mention here that they drove down earlier.

The Three Rejects return to the house, greet various roomies, and head to the backyard.  Meanwhile, the roomies tell us and each other how weird these three are.  Lips tells Ruthie Jr. that they like to hit each other in the balls.  Outside, the trio cannot remember where they parked the COMMUNAL car.  He calls out to Preston, asking where the car is, and the roomies tell him they thought he had the car.  Later, Eyes tells Hair they need to find it.  Hair says he parked it "a block off Bourbon."  Eyes says it will get towed, and Hair says they'll be carless the whole time, but at least they've got feet.

If Hair is not careful, someone's feet are going up his ass.

Meathead tells us that when he got here, he was stuck in his frat-boy ways, but hanging out with Preston and Marty has opened him up a bit.  He sits between them on the couch, and it turns into a game of gay chicken that Meathead promptly loses.  Cut to Preston and Marty making out and then getting into bed as Preston tells us that everything feels so natural with him, and he gets more attractive the more Preston gets to know him.  They must have sex, because we cut away to the shot of the fountain.

The next morning, they play wrestle and Preston tells us that it's good for him to be more open with his emotions... "although it's highly nauseating."  Haha.

After Marty leaves, Eyes tells Preston they need to find the car.  Preston muses that it was ridiculous to drive to Bourbon St. when you know you'll be drinking.  Preston and Eyes head out to play Dude, Where's Our Car? because Hair is a child who expects mommy to wipe his ass.

As they walk around looking for the car, Eyes says Hair should lose driving privileges after this incident.  Preston says he can see Eyes' anger rising, and Eyes says sometimes he snaps but he doesn't want to do it in front of Brother/Cousin.

Back at the house, Hair wakes up and Brother/Cousin tell him that Eyes/Preston went looking for the car.  Hair asks if they'll be able to find it and Bro or Cous says "it's like finding an easter egg in a cornfield" which they find hilarious.  Meanwhile, as they're still walking the streets, Eyes says he claimed he parked parallel to Bourbon "but he's also an idiot."  And then finally, after 2 hours, they find the car.  Damn, that is insane.  I'd be REALLY pissed.  And despite their insistence of parking parallel to the beach, they actually parked perpendicular.  Eyes:  "That non-third-grade-educated BASTARD!"  Haha, I like Eyes even when he's angry.  In the confessional, he gives as a lesson on parallel and perpendicular... "It's not the SAME!"

Wrong finger dude.  But I am enjoying all of the screencaps I have of you tonight.

Back at the house, the Unholy Trinity are looking for their skateboards and Eyes says they're outside.  Lips can't believe he didn't even thank Eyes/Preston.  Good lord, who raised these fucking asshole morons?  They must come from a ridiculously coddling family, and are completely incapable of dealing with the real world, let alone the Real World.  Jimmeh thinks Hair "sucks at life" for not thanking them.  Well put, Jimmeh.  Lips tells us that Eyes is going to explode at some point.

Preston's friend Allie has come from Boston for a visit, and she's very excited when he tells her about Marty.  Preston says they have deep conversations and give each other advice.  Allie is amazed because Preston never cares about guys, and Preston says he goes through them like paper towels.  She's excited to meet him.

Ominous music tells me it's time for more Hair.  He's out at the bar with BroCous and tells us that the roomies want to hate him regardless, so he might as well be a total douche.  I would like to see one shred of evidence to support this.  The trio return to the house at 2 AM and proceed to ring the doorbell, while all of the other roomies appear to be sleeping.  LAME!  Hair hops the fence (miraculously, he does not appear to injure his precious shoulder this time!) and walks around the house yelling.  When he gets to his room, Eyes asks if he's really bitching about them not answering the doorbell for 15 minutes after Eyes went and found the car for him.  Hair asks if he's freaking out over the car like that's somehow not a valid reaction?  They start yelling at each other and Hair's excuses is that it's his birthday?  Eyes tells him "DON'T DRIVE TO FUCKING BOURBON STREET!"  Then Eyes threatens to knock him the fuck out and tells him not to say one more word, while Hair keeps babbling many, many more words.  Holy shit, I want to hit him FOR Eyes at this point.  Hair says Eyes is nothing to him, but then he FINALLY leaves the room.  Good lord, that was SO FRUSTRATING to watch.  People like him positively make my blood boil.

The good part is that we get a whole long scene of Eyes wearing this.

Soup kitchen!  Where's Loretta?  Not here, sadly.  Ruthie Jr. and Meathead ask Eyes what happened, and he says everything Hair had been doing made him flip.  He knew it would happen eventually, but he didn't want to do it in front of BroCous.  They talk about how much more annoying Hair has been since they arrived, and how much fun they had at the golf outing without him.  Eyes wants to tell him to go home with his family, and Meathead nods in agreement.

Out at dinner, Allie and Marty seem to be getting along and Meathead calls Marty Preston's boyfriend, prompting a sharp elbow from Preston.  In the confessional, Preston asks "Can I be <epic pause> committed?"  Apparently that's a hard word to say.  Feelings are so scary, Gasmii!

Back at the house, Preston tells Allie he doesn't like titles, so he and Marty are "friends... ish."  They talk about building emotional walls and all of the usual crap we hear on EVERY.SINGLE.SEASON.

Well, apparently Preston decided over the commercial break that there are no need for walls with Marty!  BREAKTHROUGH!  That was fast.  Allie makes quick work of her patients.  Marty respects Preston, yadda yadda yadda.  Is Hair leaving or not?

Oh wait, first we have to learn that Preston and Marty are officially boyfriends.  Wow, he got over his fear of labels too!  Lips gets their recorder for that radio station gig they sort of had once.  She conducts an interview, but you know it's probably not getting recorded anyway.  Eyes' official on the record comment:  "I never thought Preston could handle only one penis at a time."

The girls are in the car and think that Hair should go home because he obviously has issues and is much happier being around BroCous.  Apparently because of the "rumors" around the house, the roomies all have to go to a prescription drug class.  Hair, of course, thinks this is ridiculous despite the fact that he is the CAUSE of this entire problem in the first place.  He thinks it's a joke.

The joke here is on anyone who thinks anything can get through your UNBELIEVABLY THICK SKULL!

The other seven roommates arrive at the class and tell the teacher to start because they don't think Hair is coming.  He does show up though, of course accusing people of talking about him.  Lips is appalled to see that he brought a beer to this.  Hair thinks it's fine, everyone else thinks it's ridiculous, what else is new?  During the class, Hair is doodling on his paper.  Jimmeh:  "I look over, and <Hair> is playing tic-tac-toe with himself... and LOSING!"  HAHA!  Awesome, Jemms.

Ruthie Jr. tries to ask questions that pertain to Hair, but he's too busy rolling his entire head around because just rolling his eyes isn't enough, I guess.  Eyes tells us he's completely detached.

Eyes tries to initiate a house meeting when they get home, but Hair runs away as always.  Starfish tells him they want to talk to him, but he says he doesn't want to talk to them.  And apparently he is only capable of doing what he wants, which is no surprise because that's how three year olds work.  Starfish yells downstairs to the waiting roomies, telling them to come upstairs and talk to him.  Hair keeps running to different places in the house, but I don't know where he thinks he's going to hide since there are seven of them.  Eyes follows him around, telling him they don't like how he's been acting.  Ruthie Jr. tells him they want to talk to him like civil human beings, but he is incapable of that.  The river of tears starts to form in his eyes.

The roomies sit around and all agree that Hair should leave.  Okay, obviously I know roomies get sent home for violence and whatnot, but can they literally get voted out solely for being annoying?  Because I'm pretty sure that's what happened just now.  And it's pretty damn awesome, I must say.

Eyes tries to talk to Hair, who claims that since he's not around much, he doesn't affect anyone.  Eyes says bringing beer to the drug abuse meeting made them all look bad.  Hair tries to talk over him, so Eyes says he'll talk when Hair is done.  Hair says he's never done talking, because apparently he's a lunatic that everyone hates.  Well, I'm not going to argue.  Eyes says that everyone wants him gone and Ruthie Jr. joins them and chimes in to say that he's inconsiderate.  He thinks everyone is inconsiderate to him, of course.  He brings up the toothbrush incident, and Ruthie Jr. throws the cigarette thing back at him.

MTV is determined to make sure we do not forget this lovely image.

Hair says something about Meathead having the biggest mouth in the house, and Meathead walks in threatening to knock him out.  He bitches at Hair for being a liar, and I assume he's referring to the Percocet incident.  Eyes says "If you don't change, we want you to leave."  Starfish clarifies:  "No.  We want you to leave, cause you're not gonna change."  Hahaha AWESOME Starfish!  Preston tells him to pack his bags and kick rocks, and he threatens to fight Preston, who calls him on his bluff.  Hair tells him to come outside, but Preston knows better than to take this public.  Ruthie Jr. takes this opportunity to lock Hair out of the house.

The roomies vote him out of the house again, this time with a more formal hand-raising ballot.  Hair scales the fence (AGAIN, without hurting his precious little shoulder) and gets into the house.  He runs upstairs...

... And prepares to launch Niagara Falls from his eyeballs.

He walks past the house meeting to the phone room and calls Bro, asking him to come over.  Bro arrives and heads upstairs, while Meathead tells us he wishes Hair had told him about his problems instead of separating himself.  Hair says each and every one of them is a douchebag, and Meathead says he crossed the line with his lying.  Hair tells Bro he's so happy and Bro says as long as he's sure.  The roomies are happy he's leaving, although Eyes says he didn't intend for it to go down this way.  Hair says he came to the house on top of the world, but he's leaving annoyed and with enemies.  He can't wait to go home and live with normal people who aren't them.  I don't even know what to say to that.

The roomies watch from the window as he gets picked up in a Range Rover.  Jimmeh:  "That's the most badass thing he's done since he's BEEN here!"  Jimmeh with the lolz tonight, ladies and gentlegasmii.  We close on a sign that says "Be Nice or Leave!"  Subtlety, thy name is MTV/Bunim Murray.

Next week:  Pablo visits, and is apparently exactly the asshole we thought he was.  Hopefully Eyes is off with some girl being awesome.

Well, it is QUITE the relief to be finished with this episode.  I'm not going to miss Hair one bit, all he did was annoy me.  As I said, people like him just make my blood boil.  Anyone going to miss him at all?  Anyone wish he left weeks ago?  I think Preston and Marty are cute together so far, not that we have much to go from.  What do you guys think?  Not much else really happened this episode, did it?

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Kat Von D And Jesse James Come Out Of The Tattoo Closet 3 Sep 2010, 1:06 pm

Jesse James seems to have bounced back pretty quickly because he's now dating Kat Von D. Kat told UsMagazine, "I think I learned a long time ago, even before the show, that it really doesn't matter in the big picture...All that stuff isn't important. I want to lead by example and do my best....I think it was something that was spontaneous...It definitely wasn't planned."

Um, I could be wrong, but Kat seems to have some serious Daddy issues, don't you think? I'll laugh my ass off if Kat ends up dumping Jesse's ass. Those two sluts deserve each other. I know that I'm jumping the gun right now, but Kat does not seem like the mommy type.

Sandra is probably thanking her lucky stars right now.

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